The Taboo of Formula Feeding

Years ago most doctors recommended that mothers feed their babies formula because breast milk was bad for them. Oh, how the times have changed! These days any baby or mommy blog/forum/article, etc. pushes for breast feeding as do doctors and midwives. We know now that it is, of course, the best thing for baby. Mom passes antibodies to baby through her breast milk, provides (supposedly) just the right amount of nutrition and it is important for bonding. I agree with all of that.
  When I was pregnant I did tons of research, I already knew that I wanted to breastfeed and the more I read the more determined I became. I was excited to share this amazing, special thing with my son and the feeling that through breastfeeding I would make him stronger was empowering. I was also nervous, as any first time mom is, thinking 'what if I can't do it? what if he doesn't latch...' I am a worrier, so it was only natural for me to obsess over it. When Beau was born I nursed him almost immediately and everything was great. I also had to supplement with formula due to a high Bilirubin count. The nurses said formula helps to pass all the toxins out of their system faster. No problem, he was still nursing well and it continued when we got home.
At Beau's first visit with the pediatrician I was told I could stop the formula and nurse exclusively.  Now lots of people will tell you that breastfeeding is natural and comes easily. After a week or so I was ready to pull my hair out. This kid would NOT stay awake during feedings. I tried stripping him down to his diaper, putting a cool cloth on the back of his neck, tickling his feet and nothing worked. He would fall asleep within minutes and it would all be for naught. Feeding sessions started to last longer and longer as I struggled to keep him awake. Then he decided he only wanted one side at a time which meant even more time doing this. Despite all of the difficulties I was still determined to continue breastfeeding. I wanted my son to have the best and if that meant sitting on the couch trying to keep him awake for hours on end that's what I would do. I did give in and feed him formula from time to time, and he would gobble it down. My mom kept telling me that there is no shame in switching to formula, he would still be healthy and get everything he needed.
  A couple weeks before his two month appointment Beau seemed to go through a faze that included screaming if anyone but me held him. I was convinced it was just a baby thing and he would outgrow it in a week or two. Brian kept urging me to give Beau formula because he was still hungry but I insisted that he was fine just breastfeeding. When I took Beau in for his two month checkup, as I have discussed previously, the doctor diagnosed him with 'Failure to Thrive' and told me that I needed to supplement with formula immediately. Beau was underweight and his little legs were too skinny for his first round of immunizations. I felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on my heart. I cried in the doctor's office (he was working with a med student that day, which only made it worse), I cried when I got home, I cried when I called my mom. I cried when I told Brian, who basically said 'I told you so, but it's not your fault.' Brian tried as best he could to make me feel better and after a couple of days I did.
  Feeding sessions went from what seemed like hours to twenty minutes when we started supplementing. Beau gained all the weight he needed to in no time and was much happier. I continued to nurse and pump and supplement and it was terrific. I was less stressed, Brian could hold Beau without the baby screaming and they were bonding.
 Soon Beau began to want formula more and breast milk less and less, nursing became more difficult, Beau was again getting uncooperative with it but he was doing great with the formula. I had read about nursing strikes and again figured he would outgrow this faze, too. I should mention that I am incredibly stubborn, but I was getting more and more frustrated. I contemplated feeding him strictly formula and then I would read an article about how some women just don't try hard enough to continue nursing. I started drinking more water, I think I was going through a gallon a day, I took supplements that made me smell like maple syrup, I tried everything I could think of. Beau was weaning himself and I was left feeling like a failure. It was gradual, first he stopped wanting to nurse in the afternoons. Then he stopped at night, and finally one morning he decided he was done nursing all together.
  I was ready to feel crushed when he didn't want to nurse, but what I actually felt was happy. I didn't have to fight him to get him to eat, he wasn't grumpy, I wasn't grumpy and best of all, Brian could really take over more of the feedings! I was still slightly ashamed, though, to walk in to the grocery store and buy a container of formula. I felt like other mothers were looking at me and judging my abilities, and I do occasionally get a look of disapproval. You know what? They can stick it. My son is happy and healthy. He has only had two small colds in six months and has grown significantly in the past few months. He's ahead of the curve with his milestones and is getting smarter by the day. I swear he never blinks those big blue eyes, he is constantly taking everything in.
  While breastfeeding is best for both baby and mom it's just not for everyone (more wisdom from my mom). The struggles and frustration can create more of a divide than a bonding experience. I'm not saying don't try, just don't beat yourself up over it. I plan to try with our next baby but this time I know that if it doesn't work it's not my fault and I won't beat myself up over it.