I have had many moments when I have been so exhausted I swear I am delusional. Sometimes the things that come out of my mouth make me sigh and just shake my head. Everyone tells you that once the baby arrives you will be more tired than you ever knew possible. Yes. You will leave the house accidentally wearing Crocs and not realize until you are in the middle of Target. You will find binkies (pacifiers) in your pockets at the end of the day and will come home only to realize that you have spit up all the way down the back of your shirt. When did that happen? Here are just a few giggles from the past six months, I hope you get a chuckle out of them.
1. When Beau was a week or two old I was changing his diaper, no big deal. When I stepped on the pedal to open the diaper genie it seemed stuck. The damn thing wouldn't open so the diaper went in the trash can. I told Brian that the diaper genie was broken, could he please take a look at it? Brian is a carpenter and I'm pretty sure he can fix just about anything. A few minutes later he came out with a long bag full of dirty diapers. "It was just full." Now, I still have no idea what was wrong with me at that exact moment, and I will blame it on exhausted mommy brain. "What do you mean it was full?" I asked, completely confused. Brian just stared at me like I had nine heads and repeated that the diaper genie was simply full and needed to be emptied. Dumbfounded, I looked at him and said "you have to empty it??"
For whatever ridiculous reason I was under the impression that when a diaper went into the contraption it simply disappeared. Like, maybe there really was a genie inside that ate all the dirty diapers? I'm laughing even as I sit and write this because it's possibly the dumbest thought I have ever had. I consider myself an intelligent person, how was I outsmarted by a diaper pail?
2. Brian has been a hands on dad from the beginning, taking Beau when I need a minute to myself, helping with bottles, and of course diaper changes. One night Brian was changing Beau's diaper and I wandered into Beau's room, just to coo at our beautiful little boy. I watched as Brian put the new diaper on and something about it looked funny but I couldn't figure out what. Until Brian went to fasten the little Velcro tabs, to the back of the diaper? Yup, it was on backwards. I told Brian and he just gave me a funny look, and went on with it. I had to point out that 'Honey, you put it on him backwards'. "Oh." Poor Brian, I think this was when Beau was a very new addition to our home and he was still a newbie at the whole diaper thing. To this day I can't help but wonder how many backwards diapers our little guy wore in those first few weeks.
3. I've come to learn that babies are creatures of habit, they like their schedules (give or take 2 hours) and as such I should expect certain things. I picked up one of those little baby chairs that vibrates before Beau was born and he loved it immediately. I could sit him in the chair and he would be asleep in a few minutes, YAY! As Beau got a little older the schedule became eat, poop, sleep in the chair, until one day he pooped while he was in the chair. I couldn't figure out why he was so upset and unbuckled him. I picked him up and snuggled him, rubbed his back and discovered...that he had pooped right up the back of his diaper. Into his jammies, all over the chair and now all over my hand. Yeah, that was fun to clean up. I managed to prevent a repeat performance for the most part until my in laws bought him a little exersaucer thingy with wheels on it. It looks like a little red car and has some little do-dads on the front for him to play with. Beau loved this immediately, too. One day I picked him up and discovered that his back was covered in poo and so was the seat in his car. I'm shaking my head as I write this because it still occurs on a fairly regular basis. I have become much better at cleaning it, though. That's that two hour window...never know when it's going to happen now. Oh well.
4. I have a pretty good routine in the morning, I get up around 5:00 am, turn on the coffee maker and make Beau's first bottle. A few days ago I was going about this, just like every other day. I turned on the Keurig, warmed the water for the bottle and filled it, put the formula powder in the bottle, and then I opened the fridge and took out the half and half. I had the cap off the carton and was ready to pour it when, like a bolt of lightning to the brain, I realized I was about to put half and half into Beau's bottle, not my coffee. Have I actually done this? I hate to admit it, but I can't say no for sure. Maybe I'm not as good at multitasking as I thought.
5. Beau was holding his head up at about one month, he was sitting at five months, he has, so far been ahead of the curve. Because he could hold his head up and his back was good and strong around three months I decided to play airplane with him, picking him up in the air, over my head and flying him like an airplane. Pretty self explanatory. Beau was having a blast, giggling and smiling, and my arms were getting tired so I rested him tummy first on top of my head (holing onto him, of course) and he loved that, too. He loved it so much that he grabbed two fistfuls of my hair and started to screech like a little banshee. I was in pain but could not stop laughing, I laughed so hard that I was crying and the little booger would not let go! Brian was sitting on the balcony so I walked over to the door and kicked it to get his attention, trying to tell him that I needed help. I was laughing so hard I could barely breath and that "WTH?" look appeared on my husbands face. Finally Brian came in and untangled Beau from my scalp, looking at me like I was a lunatic because I was still in hysterics. I cut my hair a few days later.
6. Another game of airplane ended badly, because I'm stubborn and it makes Beau laugh so I continue to do it. I was sitting on the couch, had Beau up in the air and I was flying him around, Beau was giggling, got the hiccups and then 'spit up' (slimed) all over me. My hair, face, clothes, the couch. Lovely. And of course he thought it was hilarious. A few days later Brian was doing the same thing and I told him to be careful because Beau would puke all over him. No sooner had the words come out of my mouth than the spit up (slime) went into Brian's. I couldn't help it, I had to laugh, the look on Brian's face was sheer disgust and Beau was still giggling.
7. Last, but not least, Crockett, our Boxer/Lab mix will find binkies all over the house. He picks them up, like a baby, with the sucker end in his mouth and brings them to me. Imagine a seventy pound dog walking over to you with a binkie in his mouth that says "Chicks dig me".
This is my life now and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world!
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