I'm tired of god. I'm tired of hearing about god. I'm tired of people telling me to have a 'blessed day'. I'm tired of being persecuted because I'm an atheist, having to explain why I don't believe in god or have faith. I would never question your beliefs so why are mine so offensive to your delicate Christian sensibilities? Here's the thing, though, I do have faith. I have faith in science and humanity and the basic good of people. I don't need religion to have morals, I certainly don't need a book to tell me how to be a good person. I'm tired of hearing that God only gives us what we can handle. Really?? Cause I've been through some shit that has tested me to the very limits of my being and I'm still here. Without God. Because I know I'm strong and I don't need to be blessed or saved or to find salvation. I have the people in my life, I have myself and in myself I have the drive to go on everyday, to open my eyes, look at what I have and know that I have worked for it. God has nothing to do with it. So please, the next time someone asks you why you believe what you do, tell them to F off because it's none of their business. Be you, be strong and make your life what you want it to be.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
The Dark Side
So this is life. Medicated. Red wine. Songs that maybe make you feel the way you used to. Cigarettes. Dark songs. The same song. Over and over and over again. Because it's the only way you can express how you feel. Because the sad, dark bass rhythm somehow explains your soul. But only to yourself. Is it time to adjust your meds?? Because the meds take your ability to feel genuinely sad or really, your ability to feel anything genuine at all. Fun. Yup. Sail. The doc said don't mix your meds with alcohol, but really, anyone who has dealt with depression or anxiety knows that that's bullshit. It's the only way you can feel or not feel, be or not be. I can't make the music loud enough or rough enough or dark enough to truly pay parlance to my soul. Sometimes there are just a lot of shitty dark days. You can't do anything about it but the your meds and c.l.o.s.e.y.o.u.r.e.y.e.s.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Reconnection
It took a long time. Too long. Things happen, life falls apart, gets put back together and goes on. But you feel the need to reach. Because that person who was important in your life is still important in your life and despite all the shit and bad days you just have to talk.
I'm happy we did, really happy. To have this friend back in my life, to have another woman to talk to. To be able to have a beer (or several glasses of wine) and talk about the old days and the new days; bad days and good days is priceless.
Whatever stopped us before, pride or anger or fear dissolved and it was all replaced with a feeling of home. I'm safe, she's safe and life will go on. This time though, we will be by each others side.
Friday, May 30, 2014
I'm Really Pissed
I've been in the National Guard for 6 years. I took some time off after I had my son but when I got called back to drill I showed up. Because it's my job. Because I want my son to know that his mom did some bad ass stuff. Because I want him to know that women are strong and can have a family and work and still hold it all together.
Tomorrow I was supposed to leave for the dreaded two week Annual Training. Two weeks in barracks, working what seem like nonstop hours, two weeks of being tired and dirty and missing home. And as much as I would have missed Beau and my husband and home I wanted to go. Because it would have been my last annual training. My last chance to feel what being in the military really means to me. Some of my fondest memories come from annual trainings passed.
My bags are packed, in the trunk of my car. My uniform is laid out ready to be put on, bright and early. And then it all fell apart. The person responsible for watching Beau decided, apparently, that I'm a terrible mother for fulfilling my obligations and I'm 'throwing my child into a world of chaos'.
I had to make a call to my NCO at 8:30 tonight to explain why I am letting my section and my unit down. Why I cannot do what I am contractually obligated to do. And thankfully she understood and so did my Commander. And I will be able to make up my time in the office after everyone gets back. What I won't be able to make up are the memories I would have made or the feeling of letting myself down. Or the fear that people will think I'm not there because I couldn't handle it.
Normally I don't vent about crap like this on here, but tonight I am just so pissed and disappointed that I have to get it out. As much as the days drag on and I never feel truly clean, even after 3 showers and fresh clothes, I wanted to go. Because there is camaraderie, there is friendship and laughs and a desperation to pass the hours and a need to get through it all.
And now I can't. My last hurrah has been taken away and I'm pissed.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Top Ten Movies of the Last Six Months
I've said before that I love movies. Like, I could spend soo much money renting movies on demand that my husband would have a coronary. I have a problem.
It dawned on me that with this love of movies should come a list(s) of my favorites. These are not all 'new', but they are all movies I've watched in the last 6 months or so. Here goes...
1. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013)
This one starts a little slow but is worth watching. Some of the best scenery I've ever seen in a movie and it's a great love story for people who are nauseated by Rom-Coms.
2. The Dallas Buyers Club (2013)
Amazing acting by Jared Leto and I learned more about the early days of AIDS/HIV treatment.
3. Afflicted (2013)
Found footage movie, without giving anything away, it really surprised me. Not my usual genre but well done and suspenseful.
4. Troll Hunter (2010)
Re: Subtitles, but so worth the hour and 43 minutes. All I can say is that giant trolls have giant shots and it's still almost creepy at a few points. But really, you need a sense of humor for this one.
* Thanks to my Dad for this one :)
5. Yellowbrickroad (2010)
Seriously trippy flick set in New Hamspire, this one is weird. I couldn't tear myself away.
6. Dark Skies (2013)
This one was a surprise, it turned out to be more than I expected. I was waiting for a run of the mill 'haunted house movie' and it was way more than that.
7. American Hustle (2013)
It was just that good.
8. The Conjuring (2013)
Creeped me out after it was over. That's hard to do. Based on some real events, and I'm really glad they didn't use big name stars.
9. Captain Phillips (2013)
Cool piece of trivia about this movie, the 'pirates' were kept away from the 'crew' through filming until the scene where the pirates boarded the ship. There is truly a sense of despair and helplessness due to this genius move.
10. The Place Beyond the Pines (2012)
Mostly because I'm a sucker for the dark, brooding indie type film. And Ryan Gosling
11. Prisoners (2013)
Okay, 11, I couldn't help it. This movie is so suspenseful I'm pretty sure I held my breath through the whole thing.
Honorable Mentions:
1. The World's End (2013)
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are two of my all time favorite actors and this movie carries on the legacy of awesomeness that is Shaun of the Dead.
2. This Is The End (2013)
Really just a great, funny movie. This is how I see movie stars living their lives in my mind. Until the apocalypse, of course.
Soulitude
There are times when my soul needs- no- craves solitude. A solitude I cannot find here, in the city or suburbs or parks or rivers. It comes only from the mountains and the quiet of the New England woods. Places I have escaped to in the past, where I can wander all day in perfect silence, never encountering another human being. It is these places that hold the calm I need. The opportunity to shut off and unplug and truly relax. I can picture them in my mind, I let myself drift there when I feel like I just can't take anymore.
I can hear the beautiful, barely present hum of life all around me, but not of traffic or people, of insects, trees, wind, the natural cycle of life.
I yearn to be back there, if only for a little while, to soothe my soul, untangle my mind and take a long deep breath. To know that it really is ok, because as crazy as everything seems, we are so small and this place will go on, as it has for thousands of years.
It is not a sense of joy or sorrow that I get in these places. Not delight or anguish. It is just a sense of being. Of belonging, of balance.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Upside Down and Rightside Up
In the past I have written about my struggles with depression and anxiety, not because I want sympathy, but because I feel that it is still a stigmatized subject. Last year I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, working with a combination of medications and trying to fix myself. Then I stopped going. I stopped taking my meds because they made me feel foggy and not quite connected with the world around me. I wanted to try to handle things on my own, and I did a pretty good job of it for a while. Or so I thought.
A few weeks ago my husband and I got into an argument in the car, in front of Beau, which is something we try to avoid for Beau's sake. It was over something stupid, I can't even remember what, and, as was becoming more common, I shut down. I was silent, staring out the window, trying not to cry. The argument was not worth crying about, not worth the time or energy I attached to it. It was just a dumb fight. Suddenly Brian looked at me and said "do you see yourself?". Ouch. And with that reality smacked me in the face and I realized I wasn't handling anything as well as I thought I was.
I made an appointment with my psychiatrist a few days later and am now almost a week back into a med schedule. This WILL sound corny, but all of a sudden the world is right side up again. I have started going to drill again, I just got a job, after two years of searching(!!!), Beau has finally made the jump to cow's milk and is sleeping in his bed in his own room. Some of that sounds like small stuff, but to me it's a big deal. And instead of stressing and losing sleep over some - or - all of it, I can relax and be happy about it.
The meds are having some odd side effects, but they are tolerable, and I finally admitted to myself that sometimes I need help. Be it talking to someone, trying to rewire my brain or just finally relaxing, I needed it. Mental illness is way too common to be ignored. No one should be ashamed or fearful of asking for help. Having a mental illness does not make us bad people, it is simply a flaw in the human code.
A few weeks ago my husband and I got into an argument in the car, in front of Beau, which is something we try to avoid for Beau's sake. It was over something stupid, I can't even remember what, and, as was becoming more common, I shut down. I was silent, staring out the window, trying not to cry. The argument was not worth crying about, not worth the time or energy I attached to it. It was just a dumb fight. Suddenly Brian looked at me and said "do you see yourself?". Ouch. And with that reality smacked me in the face and I realized I wasn't handling anything as well as I thought I was.
I made an appointment with my psychiatrist a few days later and am now almost a week back into a med schedule. This WILL sound corny, but all of a sudden the world is right side up again. I have started going to drill again, I just got a job, after two years of searching(!!!), Beau has finally made the jump to cow's milk and is sleeping in his bed in his own room. Some of that sounds like small stuff, but to me it's a big deal. And instead of stressing and losing sleep over some - or - all of it, I can relax and be happy about it.
The meds are having some odd side effects, but they are tolerable, and I finally admitted to myself that sometimes I need help. Be it talking to someone, trying to rewire my brain or just finally relaxing, I needed it. Mental illness is way too common to be ignored. No one should be ashamed or fearful of asking for help. Having a mental illness does not make us bad people, it is simply a flaw in the human code.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
How to correctly select a movie (if you're a Curtis)
I have inherited many wonderful things from my parents. One of the funnier things is how I choose a movie from the on demand menu. I thought I was alone in my often lengthy process until I visited my parents. I am definitely my father's daughter.
It begins innocently enough. I feel like watching a movie, but I'm picky and because I love movies. I have seen.them.all. So the 'process' begins.
1. Open on demand movie menu and scroll through the new releases.
Seen it, seen it, seen it, that looks stupid, blah, boring...
2. Go to the Genre menu, select horror-sci-fi.
3. Scroll through each one, looks stupid, bad ratings on IMDB (which is open on my cell so I can easily cross reference), ohhh, another sorority sister slasher? Nope. Next.
4. This looks interesting, I'll read the info. Okay, this is a possibility...
5. But...there might be a better movie. So, scroll some more. Ohhhh, alien encounters...ugh, that one is $6, no way.
6. Another possibility. Wait, what was the other one I just saw? Crap. Scroll back up. Why can't I like, put a post-it on the ones I like???
7. Back to scrolling...another bad rip off of Texas Chain Saw, not interested. That one has little kids in it. Nope, creepy. In a bad way.
8. Okay, I think I found the one. But that one looks good, too.
9. Maybe I should watch a thriller instead.
10. No, I want to watch a scary movie. What was the one I read about on Facebook a month ago? Damn. Never mind.
11. Sigh. This one got good reviews on IMDB and it has 7/10 stars. Okay, this is the one. Yup, I'm sure. I just have to remember the other 6 I want to watch next time.
And the next time I watch a movie it will be the same process. As I am performing my search I can feel both my husband and mother rolling their eyes. JUST PICK ONE ALREADY!!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
I'm Back!
So, several months ago our computer 'broke', which really means my husband was messing with it and did something and it didn't work for a long time. But now it does and I'm happy. I know it's my first post of the new year but I'm not gonna do the whole resolution thing because I never keep them. I will do a brief look back at 2013, though, because it was pretty eventful.
We started the year with our little man, Beau, barely a month old but the best thing that ever happened to me. Being a new mom was way harder then I ever thought it would be. I dealt with postpartum depression, my anxiety level skyrocketed but I learned something. I learned that the nerves and awkwardness I have dealt with for as long as I can remember is actually ANXIETY, and it's very real and many, many people suffer from it. I'm learning how to deal with it instead of running and hiding in the house.
We bought a house over the summer, we have been renovating and repairing almost non-stop ever since, but I love it. We pulled up the nasty, stained carpet from the living/dining room and upstairs hall and found pretty nice hardwood floors. We painted a few rooms. Mostly we have worked on fixing all the crazy things that are wrong with it. It has been a learning process and I am so thankful that my husband is a contractor and can do all this stuff!
I used a nail gun. My husband, brother in law and myself resurfaced my In-laws back deck. Brother in law had to go to Home Depot so I had to step up and take over the nail gun. To my surprise, my hands didn't shake when I picked it up and within a couple minutes I was nailing the crap out of those boards! (I know how it sounds, don't be a perv)
In August we found out that I was pregnant again. I knew something wasn't right. In September we found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I never thought anything would be as emotionally painful as the first miscarriage was. I was wrong. Initially I wasn't ecstatic about being pregnant so soon after having Beau, but I became very excited to have another one. The thing about dealing with something like this while you have a baby is you can't just lock yourself away and grieve. You have to deal with life, with the little person whose life depends on you to have your shit together. I haven't written about it until now, and it still hurts. I would be about six months pregnant, and to think that we were almost a family of five instead of three is a very difficult thing to process. I used to think that everything happened for a reason, now I kinda think that's a load of crap. Sometimes bad things just happen.
Beau learned to walk at about ten months. From that moment on nothing in the house has been safe. I laugh as I write this, because his favorite thing is to run away when he's got contraband. He will find dust bunnies, dog toys, anything that isn't otherwise secured and when an attempt is made to remove it from his hand he will run away laughing.
Beau started talking! He really started talking months ago, but it was just Dada and Mama. A couple weeks ago we were in the den watching some show on Animal Planet when very quietly he said "doggie, doggie". I honestly thought his first words would be 'Stop it Crockett' as that is probably the most used phrase in this house. Everyday he seems to add new words. He says Hi Crockett, Hi Ruby, Hi Kitty, Nana (banana), trash and probably a few I'm missing. Crockett and Ruby are more like Ocky and Ubit, but he's trying and it's pretty freaking cute to hear him. He nodded yesterday instead of the usual 'no' head shake. Watching him grow has been incredible.
My biggest personal success of 2013 was quitting cigarettes. So far I am 14 days smoke free. I had a slip up a few days after I quit, took a few drags one night when I seriously thought my head was going to explode, then I almost vomited. I allowed myself one week to do the typical binge eating thing that usually comes with quitting but it wasn't that bad. Having a one year old who eats half my food helped. I finally don't feel like not smoking is the end of the world, I enjoy the fact that I can taste my food and my clothes, hair and breath don't reek.
I know I said I wouldn't make resolutions, but I will push myself more this year. To get out of the house more, to be more social, to really start working out (house work only counts for so many calories burned), to write more and to be good to myself. I am taking a couple online courses and didn't realize how much I missed learning until I stayed awake until 11 one night watching lessons. I would like to go back to school, but there are logistical issues to be worked out there, so we'll see. Right now I'm just focusing on what is happening here and now, on all the amazing things I get to experience everyday and how good it is to be where I am now!
We started the year with our little man, Beau, barely a month old but the best thing that ever happened to me. Being a new mom was way harder then I ever thought it would be. I dealt with postpartum depression, my anxiety level skyrocketed but I learned something. I learned that the nerves and awkwardness I have dealt with for as long as I can remember is actually ANXIETY, and it's very real and many, many people suffer from it. I'm learning how to deal with it instead of running and hiding in the house.
We bought a house over the summer, we have been renovating and repairing almost non-stop ever since, but I love it. We pulled up the nasty, stained carpet from the living/dining room and upstairs hall and found pretty nice hardwood floors. We painted a few rooms. Mostly we have worked on fixing all the crazy things that are wrong with it. It has been a learning process and I am so thankful that my husband is a contractor and can do all this stuff!
I used a nail gun. My husband, brother in law and myself resurfaced my In-laws back deck. Brother in law had to go to Home Depot so I had to step up and take over the nail gun. To my surprise, my hands didn't shake when I picked it up and within a couple minutes I was nailing the crap out of those boards! (I know how it sounds, don't be a perv)
In August we found out that I was pregnant again. I knew something wasn't right. In September we found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I never thought anything would be as emotionally painful as the first miscarriage was. I was wrong. Initially I wasn't ecstatic about being pregnant so soon after having Beau, but I became very excited to have another one. The thing about dealing with something like this while you have a baby is you can't just lock yourself away and grieve. You have to deal with life, with the little person whose life depends on you to have your shit together. I haven't written about it until now, and it still hurts. I would be about six months pregnant, and to think that we were almost a family of five instead of three is a very difficult thing to process. I used to think that everything happened for a reason, now I kinda think that's a load of crap. Sometimes bad things just happen.
Beau learned to walk at about ten months. From that moment on nothing in the house has been safe. I laugh as I write this, because his favorite thing is to run away when he's got contraband. He will find dust bunnies, dog toys, anything that isn't otherwise secured and when an attempt is made to remove it from his hand he will run away laughing.
Beau started talking! He really started talking months ago, but it was just Dada and Mama. A couple weeks ago we were in the den watching some show on Animal Planet when very quietly he said "doggie, doggie". I honestly thought his first words would be 'Stop it Crockett' as that is probably the most used phrase in this house. Everyday he seems to add new words. He says Hi Crockett, Hi Ruby, Hi Kitty, Nana (banana), trash and probably a few I'm missing. Crockett and Ruby are more like Ocky and Ubit, but he's trying and it's pretty freaking cute to hear him. He nodded yesterday instead of the usual 'no' head shake. Watching him grow has been incredible.
My biggest personal success of 2013 was quitting cigarettes. So far I am 14 days smoke free. I had a slip up a few days after I quit, took a few drags one night when I seriously thought my head was going to explode, then I almost vomited. I allowed myself one week to do the typical binge eating thing that usually comes with quitting but it wasn't that bad. Having a one year old who eats half my food helped. I finally don't feel like not smoking is the end of the world, I enjoy the fact that I can taste my food and my clothes, hair and breath don't reek.
I know I said I wouldn't make resolutions, but I will push myself more this year. To get out of the house more, to be more social, to really start working out (house work only counts for so many calories burned), to write more and to be good to myself. I am taking a couple online courses and didn't realize how much I missed learning until I stayed awake until 11 one night watching lessons. I would like to go back to school, but there are logistical issues to be worked out there, so we'll see. Right now I'm just focusing on what is happening here and now, on all the amazing things I get to experience everyday and how good it is to be where I am now!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
9/11/2013
I sat this morning, as I do every other morning, feeding Beau his bottle and flipping through the news channels. This morning is different. Most mornings there are partisan conversations about current events, punctuated by short clips of kittens or cute babies doing silly things. This morning's coverage is the same on every channel. It is of the events twelve years ago that forever changed America.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I woke up to Matt Lauer and Katie Couric reporting that an airplane had hit one of the World Trade Center towers. I woke up my boyfriend and roommate, the three of us stood slack jawed, staring at the horror unfolding before us. They went to work at the radio station, I had the day off. I went to a friend's house, we pulled a TV onto the front porch and watched all day, sometimes joined by people from the neighborhood. I remember the silence not only in the air but in the streets as well.
So, here I am, twelve years later. I found myself explaing to our ten month old son why today is so important. I realized that as I spoke, I was crying. Telling him that though he doesn't understand now, it is something he will learn about in school. It's something Mom and Dad will talk to him about. I told him that it's okay to ask questions and to not understand how people could do that to so many innocent human beings.
I hope, with all of my heart, that he will never have to witness anything so senless and horrible. The pain of loss is still so palpable, I hope he never knows how that feels.
Together, my husband and I teach Beau that America is a great country. We teach him that there are bad people in the world, but there are many more good. We teach him that bad things happen but you have to learn to pick yourself up and move on with your life. I know he will grow up to be a good man who accepts people for who they are and does not judge unjustly. A few bad people do not define an entire culture.
As I stepped outside this morning I noticed what a beautiful day it is. Warm and sunny with a brilliant blue sky. Much like it was twelve years ago, on the day America stood still.
America will forever remember the brave men and women who lost their lives that day, as well as my Brothers and Sisters in Arms who have given their lives since. All to help, defend and protect the great people of the greatest country in the world.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
I'm such a meanie sometimes!
My husband is stressed. He is stressed over the new house, about the apartment, about work. He is currently napping, I think, not only because he is tired, but because it's the only way he can turn off the stress sometimes. He is a good man. No, he is a great man. He supports us, he loves us, and he is good to us. So why do I give him such a hard time about the dumbest things???
I realized the other day that I can be kind of harsh to my husband. I don't do it intentionally, I adore him, and have no desire to make him unhappy. Every couple has their 'things'. Each person does things that makes the other momentarily insane. Brian will leave plastic food wrappers in the sink when he trash can is only two feet away. He leaves his socks all over the house. He uses my favorite towel and leaves it wet, slung over the shower curtain bar. And I, in turn, get angry.
I can't remember exactly what I was doing when I realized that there are of course things that I do that make him shake his head, but he never says a word about them. The most prominent would be me scolding him about the things that bug me. Over. And over. And over again. And when I had this realization, that I am sometimes a real brat to my husband, I instantly felt horrible. He doesn't deserve it. He is a really good guy.
This whole thing with the house has been a long, dragged out process. It is making us both go grey, we are exhausted and just want a place to call ours. But Brian sees more. He sees it as his job to give his family a home, a place for Beau to grow up and our dogs to run around. He is worried that he won't be able to make all of that happen, and all I can say is 'it will all work out'. I really do think it will, but I don't know how else to get that across to him.
And so, I am going to stop haranguing him about dirty socks and zip lock bags in the sink. We have more towels than we know what to do with, I don't need to claim a favorite (it's huge, blue and has a hole in the corner). I do need to stop and think more often, try to put myself in his shoes. For someone I seem to pick on he never snaps, he never tells me that my constant need to hold the remote irritates him, he steps over my (15) pairs of shoes on the floor. He is a good man, and I am so happy that he will be a role model for our son.
My point is, we get so busy, so wound up in our own little universes that it's easy to pick out the negatives. We-I- need to stop and pay attention to all of the positives, because, lets be honest. I am pretty damn lucky!
I realized the other day that I can be kind of harsh to my husband. I don't do it intentionally, I adore him, and have no desire to make him unhappy. Every couple has their 'things'. Each person does things that makes the other momentarily insane. Brian will leave plastic food wrappers in the sink when he trash can is only two feet away. He leaves his socks all over the house. He uses my favorite towel and leaves it wet, slung over the shower curtain bar. And I, in turn, get angry.
I can't remember exactly what I was doing when I realized that there are of course things that I do that make him shake his head, but he never says a word about them. The most prominent would be me scolding him about the things that bug me. Over. And over. And over again. And when I had this realization, that I am sometimes a real brat to my husband, I instantly felt horrible. He doesn't deserve it. He is a really good guy.
This whole thing with the house has been a long, dragged out process. It is making us both go grey, we are exhausted and just want a place to call ours. But Brian sees more. He sees it as his job to give his family a home, a place for Beau to grow up and our dogs to run around. He is worried that he won't be able to make all of that happen, and all I can say is 'it will all work out'. I really do think it will, but I don't know how else to get that across to him.
And so, I am going to stop haranguing him about dirty socks and zip lock bags in the sink. We have more towels than we know what to do with, I don't need to claim a favorite (it's huge, blue and has a hole in the corner). I do need to stop and think more often, try to put myself in his shoes. For someone I seem to pick on he never snaps, he never tells me that my constant need to hold the remote irritates him, he steps over my (15) pairs of shoes on the floor. He is a good man, and I am so happy that he will be a role model for our son.
My point is, we get so busy, so wound up in our own little universes that it's easy to pick out the negatives. We-I- need to stop and pay attention to all of the positives, because, lets be honest. I am pretty damn lucky!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Home
We have less than three weeks until closing on our house. I can't wait to move in and make it ours. And to start working on my favorite part, the backyard.
The backyard was a major selling point for us, knowing that we will be able to open the door and let our dogs out without the struggle of leashes and distractions that we have now. And for me, the backyard offers a little slice of heaven. It has a few big trees, Oaks, I think, they cast lots of shade and create the perfect place for me to sit and write and think and relax. I am never more relaxed than I am outside. When I a surrounded by trees and grass and the smell of earth, ahhhh, I can already feel myself unwinding. Nature really is my religion, I gain a great sense of calm when I'm outdoors. I think it's being in contact with all things living, feeling the earth pulse, the wind blow and the sun shine.
We have plans for a vegetable garden, flower beds, a swing set for Beau and lots of time spent just enjoying life. I can't wait to dig and plant, watch our son grow and our dogs play. There's a clothesline that needs to be restrung, I can already see myself out there in the mornings, hanging laundry while Beau gets some fresh air. I see us grilling and enjoying the warm fall evenings, sitting and talking, just enjoying each others company.
I've always been sort of anti-social, not really caring to get to know my neighbors, preferring my solitude. But I am actually looking forward to meeting our neighbors. Our neighborhood is small, cozy, and I'm hoping it's the kind of place where people look out for one another. I saw a family about our age the last time we stopped to look at the house, it would be great to have people to hang out with on the weekends. It would almost feel wasteful to have a garden and not share it with people.
I sat down to write this morning, not really knowing what I was going to write about. I've been so consumed with packing and planning and all that goes with moving that I really thought I'd end up with a list. I guess in a way it is, it's a list of my dreams.
The backyard was a major selling point for us, knowing that we will be able to open the door and let our dogs out without the struggle of leashes and distractions that we have now. And for me, the backyard offers a little slice of heaven. It has a few big trees, Oaks, I think, they cast lots of shade and create the perfect place for me to sit and write and think and relax. I am never more relaxed than I am outside. When I a surrounded by trees and grass and the smell of earth, ahhhh, I can already feel myself unwinding. Nature really is my religion, I gain a great sense of calm when I'm outdoors. I think it's being in contact with all things living, feeling the earth pulse, the wind blow and the sun shine.
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| The view from our patio, it may not look like much now but it is ours and I love it. |
We have plans for a vegetable garden, flower beds, a swing set for Beau and lots of time spent just enjoying life. I can't wait to dig and plant, watch our son grow and our dogs play. There's a clothesline that needs to be restrung, I can already see myself out there in the mornings, hanging laundry while Beau gets some fresh air. I see us grilling and enjoying the warm fall evenings, sitting and talking, just enjoying each others company.
I've always been sort of anti-social, not really caring to get to know my neighbors, preferring my solitude. But I am actually looking forward to meeting our neighbors. Our neighborhood is small, cozy, and I'm hoping it's the kind of place where people look out for one another. I saw a family about our age the last time we stopped to look at the house, it would be great to have people to hang out with on the weekends. It would almost feel wasteful to have a garden and not share it with people.
I sat down to write this morning, not really knowing what I was going to write about. I've been so consumed with packing and planning and all that goes with moving that I really thought I'd end up with a list. I guess in a way it is, it's a list of my dreams.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Independence Day
Good morning, America., it's Independence Day. The day most look forward to as a mid-summer chance to relax, have a party, watch some fireworks and BBQ. Often just called the 4th, it's important to remember all of those who keep this country free and independent.
I have never been deployed, and I am eternally thankful for that. Everyday I see images of Service Men and Women saying their goodbyes to their kids, significant others, family members, only to board a plane and land in place where they are unwanted. You don't have to agree with the war or decisions of the President, or anything political. But we all need to support the Troops. It is because of people who are willing to lay down their lives, to say that last goodbye, that we have the freedoms we do today. These Soldiers, Sailors Marines, Airmen don't do it for the paycheck, they don't do it because they are bored, it certainly isn't as glamorous as what you see in movies and video games. They do it because they feel a sense of pride in their Country. Because they feel it is their obligation to the people of this Nation to keep us safe. Because they are brave, putting themselves on line so that their loved ones can remain free.
This country was founded by people who fled persecution, they came to America and they fought for their freedom. People with far less training and equipment than what is available today. They fought because they believed in something, they wanted to protect their families, their rights and all they had worked for.
Scrolling through the news today I saw several stories that make me more than thankful to live in America. Three people beheaded in Syria, the Egyptian Coup, horrible living conditions in North Korea, in Africa, in the Middle East. Places where women must cover themselves from head to toe, places where a difference of opinion could mean public death. Constant bombings, constant war, not knowing if your home will be blown up while you sleep.
And I sit here, writing this, with the freedom to express myself. The United States may not be what everyone wants it to be right at this moment, but it is still a free country. Big Brother may be reading what I write but I still have the freedom to write it.
During my Military career I came in contact everyday with Soldiers who had served on multiple deployments. These Men and Women often carry not only physical scars, but emotional scars as well. They have nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, you name, I've seen it. I've seen Soldiers fight to stay in the Army just because their friends are going on another deployment and they can't bear to not be with them. Each and every Soldier and Service Man and Woman feels total responsibility for the person next them, their Brothers and Sisters in Arms. Because they have built these relationships while fighting for our Country. While they sleep in the dirt, take fire in the middle of the night, watch their friends die, we are safe in our homes with our loved ones.
The American Spirit runs deep, we value our freedom and our ability to live as we like. It is because of everyone Man and Woman who has fought for this Country that we have those rights. Please remember that today is not just the 4th of July, it is a symbol of our Country, a reminder of all those great people who laid down their lives to ensure that we could be happy.
I have never been deployed, and I am eternally thankful for that. Everyday I see images of Service Men and Women saying their goodbyes to their kids, significant others, family members, only to board a plane and land in place where they are unwanted. You don't have to agree with the war or decisions of the President, or anything political. But we all need to support the Troops. It is because of people who are willing to lay down their lives, to say that last goodbye, that we have the freedoms we do today. These Soldiers, Sailors Marines, Airmen don't do it for the paycheck, they don't do it because they are bored, it certainly isn't as glamorous as what you see in movies and video games. They do it because they feel a sense of pride in their Country. Because they feel it is their obligation to the people of this Nation to keep us safe. Because they are brave, putting themselves on line so that their loved ones can remain free.
This country was founded by people who fled persecution, they came to America and they fought for their freedom. People with far less training and equipment than what is available today. They fought because they believed in something, they wanted to protect their families, their rights and all they had worked for.
Scrolling through the news today I saw several stories that make me more than thankful to live in America. Three people beheaded in Syria, the Egyptian Coup, horrible living conditions in North Korea, in Africa, in the Middle East. Places where women must cover themselves from head to toe, places where a difference of opinion could mean public death. Constant bombings, constant war, not knowing if your home will be blown up while you sleep.
And I sit here, writing this, with the freedom to express myself. The United States may not be what everyone wants it to be right at this moment, but it is still a free country. Big Brother may be reading what I write but I still have the freedom to write it.
During my Military career I came in contact everyday with Soldiers who had served on multiple deployments. These Men and Women often carry not only physical scars, but emotional scars as well. They have nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, you name, I've seen it. I've seen Soldiers fight to stay in the Army just because their friends are going on another deployment and they can't bear to not be with them. Each and every Soldier and Service Man and Woman feels total responsibility for the person next them, their Brothers and Sisters in Arms. Because they have built these relationships while fighting for our Country. While they sleep in the dirt, take fire in the middle of the night, watch their friends die, we are safe in our homes with our loved ones.
The American Spirit runs deep, we value our freedom and our ability to live as we like. It is because of everyone Man and Woman who has fought for this Country that we have those rights. Please remember that today is not just the 4th of July, it is a symbol of our Country, a reminder of all those great people who laid down their lives to ensure that we could be happy.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Happiness
I have thought for a long time about writing this post, it's about sensitive subjects. My mission is not to offend anyone but to simply state my opinions and feelings and to hopefully open people's eyes, minds and hearts.
I have long believed that everyone deserves the right to be happy. I have many gay and lesbian friends and could never understand what was quite so offensive about them. What is offensive to me is the ability of some to judge an entire group of people based solely on the fact that they love someone of the same gender. What two consenting people chose to do with their lives is their decision, and their decision alone. It should never have been put up for debate in the first place. There's that whole right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness thing, isn't there?
Here's where it gets really messy. Religion is so often brought into this debate. The Bible says that homosexuality is a sin. Well, guess what, so is smoking, drinking, cursing, having bad thoughts, not wearing modest clothing, having sex out of wedlock, divorce, jealousy and JUDGMENT. That's right, I said it. God states in the Bible that He alone is to cast judgement. That we, as people, are to strive to love and accept our fellow man. The whole practice of Christianity is about accepting people, about forgiveness and about trying to be the best person you can be. I believe it is John 8:7 that states 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'.
I personally do not believe in God. I am an Evolutionist. But, I was raised in the Lutheran Church, attended a Lutheran school for many years, have read the Bible and have a pretty good working knowledge on the subject of religion. I have faced criticism based on my beliefs, and have turned the other cheek. I have never judged others based on their beliefs and don't intend to start. I have never judged someone based on their faults, barring abuse, murder, rape, you know, the things that really are awful. I would never judge someone based on the fact that they curse too much, that they drink too much, that their religious beliefs differ from mine, that they love someone of the same gender or that they disagree with me. Live and let live.
My husband is Baptist. We have talked many times about religion and how we will bring up our son. I have agreed to attend church if that is something Brian would like to do, I have no problem with Brian reading the Bible to Beau. Brian has asked me if I would be bothered by him praying with Beau, and I would be fine with it, I would even encourage it. We decided that we will raise Beau with both of our beliefs and when he is older we will let him decide for himself. I will have no objections if my son chooses to believe in God, or Evolution for that matter. We will bring him up with love and acceptance, teach him that hate is wrong and that respect is a necessity. As long as he is a good person and is good to other people then we have done our job.
And now to discuss the matter of gays and lesbians raising children. We all know how reproduction works, so I'm not even going to discuss that aspect of it. What I will discuss is the fact that there are so many unwanted children, so many babies that need loving homes, stable upbringings and parents that care. There are good people everywhere, there are also bad people everywhere. People who will abuse children, abuse the system by having more children just to get more money to spend on themselves, people who would rather do anything than care for the child they created. So how can we say that two people of the same gender wanting to love and care for a child is wrong when two people of opposite genders can't get it right? If we take that route than we could say that, for example, an aunt and grandmother raising a child together is wrong. Or that a single father seeking help from his father/brother/friend in raising a child is wrong.There is all together too much focus on what people deem right and wrong, and not enough focus on what really matters in these situations, that a child is loved and cared for.
I have seen friends personally affected by hate, seen the look in their eyes when someone suggests that they are less of a person because of who they love. It breaks my heart that it has taken so long for them to gain equal rights, and we're not even there yet. My friends, people who have supported me, given me a place to stay, loved me without question are some of the best people I have ever known. To anyone who says that gays and lesbians are sinners and bad people, I say does it make you a good person to cast that judgement?
Everyone has the right to their own beliefs, they have the right to love who they want to love. I want more than anything for this whole issue to open people's eyes to the fact that everyone is different. Just because someone does not share your beliefs or have the same family structure as you or loves someone who is the same gender or a different color or a different race does not give you the right to judge them. You never know what you will learn by simply listening to another person.
What a boring world it would be if we were all the same!
I have long believed that everyone deserves the right to be happy. I have many gay and lesbian friends and could never understand what was quite so offensive about them. What is offensive to me is the ability of some to judge an entire group of people based solely on the fact that they love someone of the same gender. What two consenting people chose to do with their lives is their decision, and their decision alone. It should never have been put up for debate in the first place. There's that whole right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness thing, isn't there?
Here's where it gets really messy. Religion is so often brought into this debate. The Bible says that homosexuality is a sin. Well, guess what, so is smoking, drinking, cursing, having bad thoughts, not wearing modest clothing, having sex out of wedlock, divorce, jealousy and JUDGMENT. That's right, I said it. God states in the Bible that He alone is to cast judgement. That we, as people, are to strive to love and accept our fellow man. The whole practice of Christianity is about accepting people, about forgiveness and about trying to be the best person you can be. I believe it is John 8:7 that states 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'.
I personally do not believe in God. I am an Evolutionist. But, I was raised in the Lutheran Church, attended a Lutheran school for many years, have read the Bible and have a pretty good working knowledge on the subject of religion. I have faced criticism based on my beliefs, and have turned the other cheek. I have never judged others based on their beliefs and don't intend to start. I have never judged someone based on their faults, barring abuse, murder, rape, you know, the things that really are awful. I would never judge someone based on the fact that they curse too much, that they drink too much, that their religious beliefs differ from mine, that they love someone of the same gender or that they disagree with me. Live and let live.
My husband is Baptist. We have talked many times about religion and how we will bring up our son. I have agreed to attend church if that is something Brian would like to do, I have no problem with Brian reading the Bible to Beau. Brian has asked me if I would be bothered by him praying with Beau, and I would be fine with it, I would even encourage it. We decided that we will raise Beau with both of our beliefs and when he is older we will let him decide for himself. I will have no objections if my son chooses to believe in God, or Evolution for that matter. We will bring him up with love and acceptance, teach him that hate is wrong and that respect is a necessity. As long as he is a good person and is good to other people then we have done our job.
And now to discuss the matter of gays and lesbians raising children. We all know how reproduction works, so I'm not even going to discuss that aspect of it. What I will discuss is the fact that there are so many unwanted children, so many babies that need loving homes, stable upbringings and parents that care. There are good people everywhere, there are also bad people everywhere. People who will abuse children, abuse the system by having more children just to get more money to spend on themselves, people who would rather do anything than care for the child they created. So how can we say that two people of the same gender wanting to love and care for a child is wrong when two people of opposite genders can't get it right? If we take that route than we could say that, for example, an aunt and grandmother raising a child together is wrong. Or that a single father seeking help from his father/brother/friend in raising a child is wrong.There is all together too much focus on what people deem right and wrong, and not enough focus on what really matters in these situations, that a child is loved and cared for.
I have seen friends personally affected by hate, seen the look in their eyes when someone suggests that they are less of a person because of who they love. It breaks my heart that it has taken so long for them to gain equal rights, and we're not even there yet. My friends, people who have supported me, given me a place to stay, loved me without question are some of the best people I have ever known. To anyone who says that gays and lesbians are sinners and bad people, I say does it make you a good person to cast that judgement?
Everyone has the right to their own beliefs, they have the right to love who they want to love. I want more than anything for this whole issue to open people's eyes to the fact that everyone is different. Just because someone does not share your beliefs or have the same family structure as you or loves someone who is the same gender or a different color or a different race does not give you the right to judge them. You never know what you will learn by simply listening to another person.
What a boring world it would be if we were all the same!
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Rainy Days
I love rainy days. The grey sky and muted sounds set my mind at ease and take me back to when I was a kid. The best are the days when it's just constant drizzle, the air, though humid is still slightly cool. The only thing better than being curled up with a good book and a cup of coffee on a day like this would be to throw on my rain coat and go for a hike.
Rain is transformative, not always for the better, but it is. In the woods the grey skies somehow make things dream like, I can imagine scenes form "Where the Wild Things Are', strange, giant monsters loping out of the gloom. It's as if the mist makes everything mysterious. Maybe I've read too many Stephen King books, or maybe I just refuse to let go of that last bit of wild imagination from my childhood.
When it rains I am instantly transported back to New England. In Massachusetts, playing in the puddles in the driveway. In Maine, to the coast, watching the grey ocean collide with the grey, rocky shores on one end and the grey horizon on the other. In Vermont, standing on the shore of Lake Champlain, imagining all of the ships that had sunk to the bottom, and the ever elusive lake monster, Champ. I can see, in my mind, the brilliant colors of the Fall foliage against a dreary sky, the trees seeming like fireworks bursting from the mountains. The smells of the woods, damp earth, pine, that ever present green smell that I adore surrounds me and I am instantly at peace.
Here in Richmond some of my favorite times have been on rainy days. Exploring Hollywood Cemetery with all of its history, the James River and the old, Southern architecture seem to come alive. Standing under a giant Magnolia while rain drips around me off the leaves and flowers, smelling like heaven on earth.
In South Carolina, marching in formation with what seemed like two hundred pounds of gear on my back, rain trickling into my eyes. My cap and hair plastered to my head, feeling completely exhausted, completely liberated, doing what felt most natural at that time.
In San Antonio, Texas, where it rarely rained, I can remember a day spent walking around post with my best Battle Buddy, just talking and laughing. We got lost, turned around and around until we finally got our bearings, drenched and happy. We were wearing our ACUs, it was family day. Neither of us had family visiting, so we were each others family for the day.
In Blackstone, hiding out in the back of our ambulance, telling jokes, waiting for the rain to stop and the exercise to continue. Using some poor, unsuspecting new Private as our personal guinea pig to practice on. Knowing that the people I was with would be friends for life.
And now the rain has stopped, returning me to present day, the reality of daily life. I hope that as Beau grows up he inherits a love of rainy days from both Brian and I. And I hope that he holds on to his imagination forever.
Rain is transformative, not always for the better, but it is. In the woods the grey skies somehow make things dream like, I can imagine scenes form "Where the Wild Things Are', strange, giant monsters loping out of the gloom. It's as if the mist makes everything mysterious. Maybe I've read too many Stephen King books, or maybe I just refuse to let go of that last bit of wild imagination from my childhood.
When it rains I am instantly transported back to New England. In Massachusetts, playing in the puddles in the driveway. In Maine, to the coast, watching the grey ocean collide with the grey, rocky shores on one end and the grey horizon on the other. In Vermont, standing on the shore of Lake Champlain, imagining all of the ships that had sunk to the bottom, and the ever elusive lake monster, Champ. I can see, in my mind, the brilliant colors of the Fall foliage against a dreary sky, the trees seeming like fireworks bursting from the mountains. The smells of the woods, damp earth, pine, that ever present green smell that I adore surrounds me and I am instantly at peace.
Here in Richmond some of my favorite times have been on rainy days. Exploring Hollywood Cemetery with all of its history, the James River and the old, Southern architecture seem to come alive. Standing under a giant Magnolia while rain drips around me off the leaves and flowers, smelling like heaven on earth.
In South Carolina, marching in formation with what seemed like two hundred pounds of gear on my back, rain trickling into my eyes. My cap and hair plastered to my head, feeling completely exhausted, completely liberated, doing what felt most natural at that time.
In San Antonio, Texas, where it rarely rained, I can remember a day spent walking around post with my best Battle Buddy, just talking and laughing. We got lost, turned around and around until we finally got our bearings, drenched and happy. We were wearing our ACUs, it was family day. Neither of us had family visiting, so we were each others family for the day.
In Blackstone, hiding out in the back of our ambulance, telling jokes, waiting for the rain to stop and the exercise to continue. Using some poor, unsuspecting new Private as our personal guinea pig to practice on. Knowing that the people I was with would be friends for life.
And now the rain has stopped, returning me to present day, the reality of daily life. I hope that as Beau grows up he inherits a love of rainy days from both Brian and I. And I hope that he holds on to his imagination forever.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Strangers and Babies
Beau has not been napping well at all lately. My solution is to put him in the car and go to the park/library/home improvement stores/garden center. Being in his stroller or being pushed in a cart puts him to sleep like a charm. Being the handsome little boy that he is, he garners attention from almost everyone we encounter. And everyone has advice about parenting. Some is helpful, some I ignore, some people are just plain rude about it.
The other day Beau and I were at Home Depot, I was pushing him around the store and stopped to look at paint colors for the new house. An older couple passed and the woman immediately paused to talk to Beau. Beau stared at her husband in awe, which I contribute to the fact that he was wearing a Red Sox hat. Good boy, Beau. Anyway, this couple was very nice, chatted for a moment and walked on. A few minutes later she reappeared next to me with a paper paint sample in hand. She gave it to Beau and he promptly stuck it in his mouth. I learned the hard way a few days before that when these paint things get wet they disintegrate and Beau ends up with ink all over his face. I looked at the woman, smiled and said, 'oh, uh, thanks, but no, he is just going to eat it.' At this point I was reaching to remove said paper from my child's mouth. the woman looked at me and said, "well, now he has another one, doesn't he?" Why do people think it's okay to do this stuff? I looked at her, said 'No. Thank you.' and put the chewed paper in the diaper bag. The look she gave me said "do you really think you know better than me?" To which, in my mind, I said yes. He is my child and whether you agree with my parenting or not I know what my baby needs.
Then there was the trip to Target. I made it through the store with probably a bit more than I needed, but who doesn't at Target? At the check out the cashier at the register next to us started to ogle Beau. Then she noticed that he wasn't wearing any shoes or socks. This was about a month ago, so he wasn't even crawling yet. Not to mention that it was roughly ninety-five degrees out with what seemed like 1000% humidity. 'Why don't you have any shoes little one?' the questioning began. I don't really ever put socks on Beau unless it's chilly out, and I refuse to buy him $30 shoes before he is old enough to walk. And so I told her. She glared at me like I was the most unfit mother she had ever encountered. 'Not even socks? His little feet must be cold.' and that same disapproving look. I just sighed and said "Nope". What I really wanted to say goes something like this: 'It is ninety five degrees outside, he is crammed into a car seat that does not breath at all. I am lucky I got clothes on him at all, have you ever tried to dress a six month old that despises wearing clothing? For that matter, I'm lucky I even got a diaper on him, considering he turns into a Flying Wallenda when it's time to change him. Any other questions Lady???' When I told Brian later that day about the encounter he shook his head and said "Why is it any business of hers?"
Being in public with a baby means lots of unsolicited advice. Everything from 'He's too cold/he's too hot to why are you feeding him formula? You're already giving him baby food? He's teething; he looks small/big for his age'...the list goes on. I have learned to deal with most of it, a simple acknowledgement and smile usually does the trick.
I can deal with the advice, what I can't deal with are people who think it's okay to touch him. Why are people so obsessed with baby toes? At least once a day a stranger will reach over and touch his feet before I can maneuver him away.
1. I do not know you, I do not know where your hands have been. Did you wash them after you used the bathroom? Did you just pick up a thing of yucky, dripping raw chicken in the meat section and then touch my baby's foot which he will promptly put in his mouth the second he has a chance???
2. What is it about pregnant women and babies that just screams "please touch me, because I have never met you and am therefore fine with you patting my belly/rubbing my toes/touching my head, etc.? I have never had the impulse to reach out and touch a stranger just for the heck of it. Someone please explain this to me.
3. While I'm at it, why do people stare at extremely pregnant women like they are aliens? I thought I was alone on this one until a friend of mine brought it up to me. We were due within a month of each other and frequently compared stories about this. In particular it seems to be elderly men and young women. Maybe one is thinking "If only you knew what you're in store for", and the other is thinking "Is that what I'M going to look like??!!"
4. Strangers who ask if they can hold my baby. Seriously. Refer to number one.
I have no problem with friends and family holding Beau, I know them, I trust them, I'm not worried that they have been making anthrax in their basement and just touched my kid (yes, it is irrational, that's what motherhood does to a person).
The lady who works at the local grocery store comments passive-aggressively every time we're in there that she wishes she could hold Beau. My thoughts on this: "Please, let me just get him out of the car seat it took me ten minutes to buckle him into, all while he is throwing a fit because he hates the stupid thing, then there is about an 80% chance he is going to take one look at you, realize that you're not me and throw another fit. Then you will promptly hand him back to me and I will have to begin the whole car seat thing AGAIN. Dare I even ask if you have washed your hands since you touched the money?"
On that note, I have a completely unrelated story to share. I took Beau to PetSmart yesterday to look at the animals. While we were walking around I started talking with a young woman who had a Pit Bull pup with her. We were talking, Beau was giggling at the puppy and suddenly the puppy began to poop right in the middle of the aisle. Beau thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen and was laughing so hard he couldn't catch his breath. Oh, the joys of babies and puppies. The woman and I could not help but laugh at Beau, laughing at the pooping dog.
The other day Beau and I were at Home Depot, I was pushing him around the store and stopped to look at paint colors for the new house. An older couple passed and the woman immediately paused to talk to Beau. Beau stared at her husband in awe, which I contribute to the fact that he was wearing a Red Sox hat. Good boy, Beau. Anyway, this couple was very nice, chatted for a moment and walked on. A few minutes later she reappeared next to me with a paper paint sample in hand. She gave it to Beau and he promptly stuck it in his mouth. I learned the hard way a few days before that when these paint things get wet they disintegrate and Beau ends up with ink all over his face. I looked at the woman, smiled and said, 'oh, uh, thanks, but no, he is just going to eat it.' At this point I was reaching to remove said paper from my child's mouth. the woman looked at me and said, "well, now he has another one, doesn't he?" Why do people think it's okay to do this stuff? I looked at her, said 'No. Thank you.' and put the chewed paper in the diaper bag. The look she gave me said "do you really think you know better than me?" To which, in my mind, I said yes. He is my child and whether you agree with my parenting or not I know what my baby needs.
Then there was the trip to Target. I made it through the store with probably a bit more than I needed, but who doesn't at Target? At the check out the cashier at the register next to us started to ogle Beau. Then she noticed that he wasn't wearing any shoes or socks. This was about a month ago, so he wasn't even crawling yet. Not to mention that it was roughly ninety-five degrees out with what seemed like 1000% humidity. 'Why don't you have any shoes little one?' the questioning began. I don't really ever put socks on Beau unless it's chilly out, and I refuse to buy him $30 shoes before he is old enough to walk. And so I told her. She glared at me like I was the most unfit mother she had ever encountered. 'Not even socks? His little feet must be cold.' and that same disapproving look. I just sighed and said "Nope". What I really wanted to say goes something like this: 'It is ninety five degrees outside, he is crammed into a car seat that does not breath at all. I am lucky I got clothes on him at all, have you ever tried to dress a six month old that despises wearing clothing? For that matter, I'm lucky I even got a diaper on him, considering he turns into a Flying Wallenda when it's time to change him. Any other questions Lady???' When I told Brian later that day about the encounter he shook his head and said "Why is it any business of hers?"
Being in public with a baby means lots of unsolicited advice. Everything from 'He's too cold/he's too hot to why are you feeding him formula? You're already giving him baby food? He's teething; he looks small/big for his age'...the list goes on. I have learned to deal with most of it, a simple acknowledgement and smile usually does the trick.
I can deal with the advice, what I can't deal with are people who think it's okay to touch him. Why are people so obsessed with baby toes? At least once a day a stranger will reach over and touch his feet before I can maneuver him away.
1. I do not know you, I do not know where your hands have been. Did you wash them after you used the bathroom? Did you just pick up a thing of yucky, dripping raw chicken in the meat section and then touch my baby's foot which he will promptly put in his mouth the second he has a chance???
2. What is it about pregnant women and babies that just screams "please touch me, because I have never met you and am therefore fine with you patting my belly/rubbing my toes/touching my head, etc.? I have never had the impulse to reach out and touch a stranger just for the heck of it. Someone please explain this to me.
3. While I'm at it, why do people stare at extremely pregnant women like they are aliens? I thought I was alone on this one until a friend of mine brought it up to me. We were due within a month of each other and frequently compared stories about this. In particular it seems to be elderly men and young women. Maybe one is thinking "If only you knew what you're in store for", and the other is thinking "Is that what I'M going to look like??!!"
4. Strangers who ask if they can hold my baby. Seriously. Refer to number one.
I have no problem with friends and family holding Beau, I know them, I trust them, I'm not worried that they have been making anthrax in their basement and just touched my kid (yes, it is irrational, that's what motherhood does to a person).
The lady who works at the local grocery store comments passive-aggressively every time we're in there that she wishes she could hold Beau. My thoughts on this: "Please, let me just get him out of the car seat it took me ten minutes to buckle him into, all while he is throwing a fit because he hates the stupid thing, then there is about an 80% chance he is going to take one look at you, realize that you're not me and throw another fit. Then you will promptly hand him back to me and I will have to begin the whole car seat thing AGAIN. Dare I even ask if you have washed your hands since you touched the money?"
On that note, I have a completely unrelated story to share. I took Beau to PetSmart yesterday to look at the animals. While we were walking around I started talking with a young woman who had a Pit Bull pup with her. We were talking, Beau was giggling at the puppy and suddenly the puppy began to poop right in the middle of the aisle. Beau thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen and was laughing so hard he couldn't catch his breath. Oh, the joys of babies and puppies. The woman and I could not help but laugh at Beau, laughing at the pooping dog.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Father's Day
I have an amazing Dad. My husband is an amazing Dad. I give them both credit, because it's not an easy job.
When I was a teenager I was miserable. By that I mean I know I was not easy to deal with. I hated school, I didn't like to do my homework, I never wanted to be home by curfew and I definitely got into my fair share of trouble. Through all of it my Dad was there. Always telling me, "This is for your own good". Now that I am older I know what he meant. My Dad made me strong, taught me life lessons, gave me the gift of storytelling and opened my eyes to many things. He is truly an inspiration to me, his strength through all he has dealt with is, to say the least, admirable.
When I was sixteen my parents took on the daunting task of teaching me to drive. I had been in a pretty nasty car accident months before, and remarkably escaped unscathed. I was not happy about driving, I was convinced that I would be relying on public transportation and my bicycle for the rest of my life. Nope. I can't remember what car we were using, but one day Dad decided we were going to drive around the block. I did pretty good for three quarters of it, then, pulling back onto our street it happened. I must have hit the gas a bit too hard, freaked out and over steered because the car ended up in the bushes of the house at the end of the street. Without thinking Dad told me to switch, got into the drivers seat and zipped down the road to our driveway. The bushes were fine, and the look on Dad's face is one I will never forget! I cannot help but smile every time I go home and drive past those bushes. I wonder if the neighbors ever noticed?
My Dad worked as a machinist for many years, first in the family business, then a few other places. When he was forty-nine (I hope I got that right!) he quit his job at a plastics manufacturing company and joined the Fire Department. I was amazed. I don't know many people who would do that, especially at that age. I attended Dad's graduation from the Fire Academy and I realized just how happy he looked. He was finally doing something that made him happy.
My Dad was the real reason I joined the military at twenty-nine, he's also the reason I wanted to be an EMT. So, to you Dad, I say Thank You! Not just for the inspiration, but for helping to make me who I am.
When I was a teenager I was miserable. By that I mean I know I was not easy to deal with. I hated school, I didn't like to do my homework, I never wanted to be home by curfew and I definitely got into my fair share of trouble. Through all of it my Dad was there. Always telling me, "This is for your own good". Now that I am older I know what he meant. My Dad made me strong, taught me life lessons, gave me the gift of storytelling and opened my eyes to many things. He is truly an inspiration to me, his strength through all he has dealt with is, to say the least, admirable.
When I was sixteen my parents took on the daunting task of teaching me to drive. I had been in a pretty nasty car accident months before, and remarkably escaped unscathed. I was not happy about driving, I was convinced that I would be relying on public transportation and my bicycle for the rest of my life. Nope. I can't remember what car we were using, but one day Dad decided we were going to drive around the block. I did pretty good for three quarters of it, then, pulling back onto our street it happened. I must have hit the gas a bit too hard, freaked out and over steered because the car ended up in the bushes of the house at the end of the street. Without thinking Dad told me to switch, got into the drivers seat and zipped down the road to our driveway. The bushes were fine, and the look on Dad's face is one I will never forget! I cannot help but smile every time I go home and drive past those bushes. I wonder if the neighbors ever noticed?
My Dad worked as a machinist for many years, first in the family business, then a few other places. When he was forty-nine (I hope I got that right!) he quit his job at a plastics manufacturing company and joined the Fire Department. I was amazed. I don't know many people who would do that, especially at that age. I attended Dad's graduation from the Fire Academy and I realized just how happy he looked. He was finally doing something that made him happy.
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| Dad, in the middle with his hand on his hip and the biggest smile ever. |
I met my husband at a bar on September 11, 2010. My ex had moved out about a month before and while I did not miss him, I was lonely. I had spent the morning at the botanical gardens and could not stand to go home to an empty house for the rest of the day. I headed to the local bar, deciding that I would have a 'couple' beers and watch baseball. At that point in my life there really was no such thing as only having a couple beers. So I sat, enjoying my heady buzz, watching baseball, then football, talking to whoever happened to sit next to me. After a few hours I was pretty drunk, and this guy came over to talk to me. His pick up line went like this "I just watched you put down like three of those big beers and I'm still working on one." Gotta give the guy credit for creativity. We spent the rest of the afternoon sharing drinks and talking, even with my insistence that I wasn't looking to date anyone, he stayed right there, on the bar stool next to me. It was a long night, completely innocent as far as I was concerned. Just too many beers and some bar food with a nice guy. We exchanged numbers and I reminded him that I wasn't interested in dating. He texted me the next day and asked if I wanted to hang out, I was way too hung over and told him no thanks.
Over the course of the week we continued to text back and forth, talking about random things, what movies we liked, our favorite foods, etc. I had drill that weekend, and was stuck on post out of town. The guy texted me that Saturday and asked if I wanted to go out. He used the same exact wording he had the day after our initial meeting. It must have been his persistence and charm, because I said yes. Sunday afternoon, once drill was over, I got dolled up and headed to meet him at (of course) the bar. I remember being worried because I almost couldn't remember what he looked like. When I walked in and saw him my first thought was 'Thank God, he really is cute'.
Looking back I never would have thought that we would be where we are now. We were together for about six months when he proposed. We got married the a few months later, the day after a beach vacation, on the back deck at his house. The only people there were us, the officiant, Brian's mom and a friend who took our pictures. By late October I was pregnant. We were ecstatic. Then I had a miscarriage. We were devastated. We had some terrible arguments in the couple months that followed, fueled by alcohol and hurt emotions. But never once did I think that we wouldn't work.
We moved into a new apartment together in December of 2011, by the end of February I was pregnant again. The drinking had stopped, the arguing had let up and we had started to dream about our baby.
Flash forward to today, Father's Day 2013. Brian is currently sleeping late, with Beau curled up in bed right next to him. Brian worked yesterday, just to make extra money for our new house. He works as many hours as he can so we can have the things we need. He comes home exhausted and still helps me with the house, he cooks dinner most nights, and he plays with Beau. He talks to Beau about how they will build things together in the future, how he is going to make Beau the best tree house ever and take him fishing and play baseball with him.
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| Brian and Beau. |
He is an amazing father, an amazing husband and the love of my life. Brian is truly my best friend, my soul mate and my confidant. I don't think I really knew what it is to be in love with someone before I met Brian. He makes my world go round and I can't imagine my life without him.
To my Dad and my husband, I say thank you, again. I don't think I say it enough and I don't think they know how much they mean to me. Happy Father's Day.
To my Dad and my husband, I say thank you, again. I don't think I say it enough and I don't think they know how much they mean to me. Happy Father's Day.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Life Changes
It's been a little over a week since I last sat down to write and I'm struggling a bit this morning. So many things have changed over the past two weeks, it all makes my head spin a little. The weekend before vacation we were visiting with Brian's parents, chatting and someone brought up his grandmother's house. She passed away about a month ago and left a house that my father in-law and his siblings were planning to sell. Hmmm...Brian and I are desperately looking to get out of our apartment. So the talk turned to us possibly buying the house. We gathered up Beau and all of us headed over to take a look at the place. I had only been there once, and had only seen one room. Well, we got there and to my surprise there is a big fenced-in backyard. And four bedrooms, and a sun room...and my head instantly filled with ideas. The sun room would be a breakfast nook/green house. Beau would have his own bedroom, I could have a craft room and Brian would have the obligatory 'man cave'.
Things moved fast from there. Two days later Brian was putting together paperwork for a mortgage pre-approval. Two days after that we got pre-approved. This past Saturday we went and signed the preliminary contract. And BAM, we are getting a house!!!
Holy cow, I thought it would be years before I would be saying that. The house needs a lot of work but it has tons of potential. We have to get the inspection, appraisal and termite inspection done, and if all goes well we will be closing on July 28th. I can't wipe the smile off my face right now. Thinking about the dogs running in the backyard, seeing Beau chase after them, hopefully having another baby, it is perfection. And the fact that I get to share it all with my wonderful husband, that he made it all happen is like a dream.
I haven't posted anything on Facebook yet, which has been hard for me to do, I think because it does still seem like a dream. I don't think I will fully believe it until the day we move in. We've been over there a few times to look at it now, I've already picked out paint for most of the rooms and have planned my flower gardens. Brian already has plans for his man cave and his garage. The dogs have not been over there yet, but I'm sure they will have some plans of their own for the backyard, Ruby likes to dig.
So, obviously, the house is the biggest change for all of us, but Beau has made some pretty big changes, too. We spent last week at the beach with some friends and their baby girl. Watching the two little ones play was adorable. Their baby is about a month older than Beau, so naturally she is doing things he hadn't yet. Beau is very observant and apparently watching his little friend crawl around the floor was the motivation he needed. I was sitting on the floor playing with him lat night and watched as he scooted right across the floor to get my cell phone. Now he doesn't want to do anything but practice, and each time he gets a little higher off his belly and a little farther in distance. Too cute! He is also babbling more and saying Mama and Dada, which any parenting book will tell you is just him working on his speech. Brian and I, of course, are in agreement that he is directing it towards us. Our little boy never ceases to amaze me. He is in my opinion the best thing that has ever happened. I'm pretty sure he will be walking next week.
With all of the changes over the past (almost) seven months, I have been overwhelmed, dealt with depression and anxiety, but all of a sudden things seem to falling into place. Like life is saying, 'here, you guys deserve this', and putting all of the pieces together.
With that said, I think I will end my writing for today. I have to go play with my beautiful little boy and pack for our new house!
*If there are words missing an M please ignore it. I try to spell check everything but the M button on my keyboard sticks and for some reason spell check doesn't always catch it.
Things moved fast from there. Two days later Brian was putting together paperwork for a mortgage pre-approval. Two days after that we got pre-approved. This past Saturday we went and signed the preliminary contract. And BAM, we are getting a house!!!
Holy cow, I thought it would be years before I would be saying that. The house needs a lot of work but it has tons of potential. We have to get the inspection, appraisal and termite inspection done, and if all goes well we will be closing on July 28th. I can't wipe the smile off my face right now. Thinking about the dogs running in the backyard, seeing Beau chase after them, hopefully having another baby, it is perfection. And the fact that I get to share it all with my wonderful husband, that he made it all happen is like a dream.
I haven't posted anything on Facebook yet, which has been hard for me to do, I think because it does still seem like a dream. I don't think I will fully believe it until the day we move in. We've been over there a few times to look at it now, I've already picked out paint for most of the rooms and have planned my flower gardens. Brian already has plans for his man cave and his garage. The dogs have not been over there yet, but I'm sure they will have some plans of their own for the backyard, Ruby likes to dig.
So, obviously, the house is the biggest change for all of us, but Beau has made some pretty big changes, too. We spent last week at the beach with some friends and their baby girl. Watching the two little ones play was adorable. Their baby is about a month older than Beau, so naturally she is doing things he hadn't yet. Beau is very observant and apparently watching his little friend crawl around the floor was the motivation he needed. I was sitting on the floor playing with him lat night and watched as he scooted right across the floor to get my cell phone. Now he doesn't want to do anything but practice, and each time he gets a little higher off his belly and a little farther in distance. Too cute! He is also babbling more and saying Mama and Dada, which any parenting book will tell you is just him working on his speech. Brian and I, of course, are in agreement that he is directing it towards us. Our little boy never ceases to amaze me. He is in my opinion the best thing that has ever happened. I'm pretty sure he will be walking next week.
With all of the changes over the past (almost) seven months, I have been overwhelmed, dealt with depression and anxiety, but all of a sudden things seem to falling into place. Like life is saying, 'here, you guys deserve this', and putting all of the pieces together.
With that said, I think I will end my writing for today. I have to go play with my beautiful little boy and pack for our new house!
*If there are words missing an M please ignore it. I try to spell check everything but the M button on my keyboard sticks and for some reason spell check doesn't always catch it.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Vacation
To All of My Readers,
Thank you! I haven't been able to sit and write much this week, we are leaving for the beach on Sunday and planning to do anything these days is a major undertaking. How do I feed Beau in his high chair and keep it clean so I can pack it in the car? Hmmm, not possible. Oh well, life is messy when you have kids!
I'm hoping the sound of the waves and smell of the salt will inspire me, and I will have lots of pictures to post and I'm sure lots of good stories. I will be bringing my laptop so I can do some writing in the mornings while I'm there.
I really hope that everyone enjoys reading my posts. Writing is not just something I like to do, it is therapeutic for me. It helps to relieve some of the anxiety I feel in my daily life. Putting words on paper (or the computer screen) kind of brings back to me a little piece that seemed to be missing for a long time. It's easier for me to express myself in writing than it is through actual conversation.
Thank you all again for taking the time to read my posts. More soon, Liz
Thank you! I haven't been able to sit and write much this week, we are leaving for the beach on Sunday and planning to do anything these days is a major undertaking. How do I feed Beau in his high chair and keep it clean so I can pack it in the car? Hmmm, not possible. Oh well, life is messy when you have kids!
I'm hoping the sound of the waves and smell of the salt will inspire me, and I will have lots of pictures to post and I'm sure lots of good stories. I will be bringing my laptop so I can do some writing in the mornings while I'm there.
I really hope that everyone enjoys reading my posts. Writing is not just something I like to do, it is therapeutic for me. It helps to relieve some of the anxiety I feel in my daily life. Putting words on paper (or the computer screen) kind of brings back to me a little piece that seemed to be missing for a long time. It's easier for me to express myself in writing than it is through actual conversation.
Thank you all again for taking the time to read my posts. More soon, Liz
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I Miss My Truck
My first car was a 1994 sky blue Toyota Tercel. It was a two door with black vinyl interior and a black rubbery steering wheel. It didn't have AC, the radiator was a piece of junk and the car constantly overheated, so I had to run the heat year round. It was like sitting inside a black trash bag on blacktop in August. But it was a good first car. I had that thing for ten years and would have kept it longer had it not been for all the repairs it needed.
In 2007 I traded the Tercel in for a 2001 Oldsmobile Alero, beige with tan leather interior. Judging by the hand written notes in the car's manual it was previously owned by an elderly man in Florida. Yup, it was an old man car. It did have AC and at first I didn't have a single problem with it. One day on my way to work I got stuck in traffic and the car started to overheat. It was warm out and I was just idling so I opened all the windows, turned on the heat just a little and figured it wouldn't be an issue. I was wrong. I had that car for three years and everyday it seemed like there was a new issue. The headlights would stop working so I replaced fuse after fuse. The radiator would over heat so I started carrying a jug of water in the trunk. I think at one point the interior lights stopped working, too.
The week before I was leaving for Basic the front calipers exploded and the car seized completely in the middle of a Walmart parking lot. Seriously?? To this day I regret buying that stupid car. I got the car fixed and left it in the parking lot at our apartment building. I had the parking pass, my tags and registration were up to date. While I was away at Basic the towing company that works for the apartment building ripped off the registration tags and towed it. We got it back when I came home for Christmas.
When I got home from Basic and AIT I officially left my first husband (we shall call him Buttface) and moved in with friends. My car got towed from the street they live on a couple times. It started to severely overheat every time I drove it and eventually it got to the point that it wasn't worth keeping. Late in 2009 I went back to my Buttface. We ended up trading in the Alero for a 2003 Nissan XTerra. I fell in love with my with that truck.
The XTerra had it's issues, once again the AC didn't work, but it didn't overheat. I'm not sure why I flipped over that truck the way I did. I was working full time for the Guard and my truck was moss green, it matched my uniform. I called it my Tank. It wasn't four wheel drive, it got stuck in the snow, I think one of the windows stopped working for a while, too. Didn't care, loved my truck!
When Buttface and I finally divorced in 2010 it was decided that though the truck was in his name I would keep it, continue to make the payments and refinance it into my name. The problem was the truck was too old and too high mileage and no one would refinance it for me. Buttface (the name I really call him is slightly more offensive and contains another part of the anatomy) really was a butt face. I explained to him that I was having a hard time with the refinancing, blah blah blah. No Go. He threw a fit about it, one of the reasons I divorced him, and refused to negotiate. By that point I was remarried to Brian and we decided to give up and just trade in the truck. I got a brand new 2011 Mitsubishi Galant. It's a good car, no issues at all, but it's just a car. I honestly cried a little when I had to say goodbye to my truck.
I think the truck symbolized freedom to me. Even though it was in Buttface's name I maintained it. I was on my own for the first time and I had a bad ass truck. I used to load Ruby Dog into it and we would go explore the city. I had that truck when I got MY first apartment that was solely MINE. I was the only person on the lease. I had a bad ass truck, a cute little apartment, a great dog and I had started seeing an amazing guy. And, to be honest, I just felt cool when I drove it.
Now we have the Galant, my little red, dependable car. the stroller doesn't fit in it so I don't drive it much. It doesn't even have 20,000 miles on it yet. The AC works, so do the windows, the radiator and the interior lights. It's got grey cloth interior and wood finish for the control panel. It's just not my XTerra.
In 2007 I traded the Tercel in for a 2001 Oldsmobile Alero, beige with tan leather interior. Judging by the hand written notes in the car's manual it was previously owned by an elderly man in Florida. Yup, it was an old man car. It did have AC and at first I didn't have a single problem with it. One day on my way to work I got stuck in traffic and the car started to overheat. It was warm out and I was just idling so I opened all the windows, turned on the heat just a little and figured it wouldn't be an issue. I was wrong. I had that car for three years and everyday it seemed like there was a new issue. The headlights would stop working so I replaced fuse after fuse. The radiator would over heat so I started carrying a jug of water in the trunk. I think at one point the interior lights stopped working, too.
The week before I was leaving for Basic the front calipers exploded and the car seized completely in the middle of a Walmart parking lot. Seriously?? To this day I regret buying that stupid car. I got the car fixed and left it in the parking lot at our apartment building. I had the parking pass, my tags and registration were up to date. While I was away at Basic the towing company that works for the apartment building ripped off the registration tags and towed it. We got it back when I came home for Christmas.
When I got home from Basic and AIT I officially left my first husband (we shall call him Buttface) and moved in with friends. My car got towed from the street they live on a couple times. It started to severely overheat every time I drove it and eventually it got to the point that it wasn't worth keeping. Late in 2009 I went back to my Buttface. We ended up trading in the Alero for a 2003 Nissan XTerra. I fell in love with my with that truck.
The XTerra had it's issues, once again the AC didn't work, but it didn't overheat. I'm not sure why I flipped over that truck the way I did. I was working full time for the Guard and my truck was moss green, it matched my uniform. I called it my Tank. It wasn't four wheel drive, it got stuck in the snow, I think one of the windows stopped working for a while, too. Didn't care, loved my truck!
 |
| A moss green 2003 Nissan XTerra. Mine had a Combat Medic sticker on the back window. |
When Buttface and I finally divorced in 2010 it was decided that though the truck was in his name I would keep it, continue to make the payments and refinance it into my name. The problem was the truck was too old and too high mileage and no one would refinance it for me. Buttface (the name I really call him is slightly more offensive and contains another part of the anatomy) really was a butt face. I explained to him that I was having a hard time with the refinancing, blah blah blah. No Go. He threw a fit about it, one of the reasons I divorced him, and refused to negotiate. By that point I was remarried to Brian and we decided to give up and just trade in the truck. I got a brand new 2011 Mitsubishi Galant. It's a good car, no issues at all, but it's just a car. I honestly cried a little when I had to say goodbye to my truck.
 |
| This is what I've got now. It's a really good car, it's just not as cool as my truck. |
I think the truck symbolized freedom to me. Even though it was in Buttface's name I maintained it. I was on my own for the first time and I had a bad ass truck. I used to load Ruby Dog into it and we would go explore the city. I had that truck when I got MY first apartment that was solely MINE. I was the only person on the lease. I had a bad ass truck, a cute little apartment, a great dog and I had started seeing an amazing guy. And, to be honest, I just felt cool when I drove it.
Now we have the Galant, my little red, dependable car. the stroller doesn't fit in it so I don't drive it much. It doesn't even have 20,000 miles on it yet. The AC works, so do the windows, the radiator and the interior lights. It's got grey cloth interior and wood finish for the control panel. It's just not my XTerra.
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