Upside Down and Rightside Up

In the past I have written about my struggles with depression and anxiety, not because I want sympathy, but because I feel that it is still a stigmatized subject. Last year I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, working with a combination of medications and trying to fix myself. Then I stopped going. I stopped taking my meds because they made me feel foggy and not quite connected with the world around me. I wanted to try to handle things on my own, and I did a pretty good job of it for a while. Or so I thought.
  A few weeks ago my husband and I got into an argument in the car, in front of Beau, which is something we try to avoid for Beau's sake. It was over something stupid, I can't even remember what, and, as was becoming more common, I shut down. I was silent, staring out the window, trying not to cry. The argument was not worth crying about, not worth the time or energy I attached to it. It was just a dumb fight. Suddenly Brian looked at me and said "do you see yourself?". Ouch. And with that reality smacked me in the face and I realized I wasn't handling anything as well as I thought I was.
  I made an appointment with my psychiatrist a few days later and am now almost a week back into a med schedule. This WILL sound corny, but all of a sudden the world is right side up again. I have started going to drill again, I just got a job, after two years of searching(!!!), Beau has finally made the jump to cow's milk and is sleeping in his bed in his own room. Some of that sounds like small stuff, but to me it's a big deal. And instead of stressing and losing sleep over some - or - all of it, I can relax and be happy about it.
  The meds are having some odd side effects, but they are tolerable, and I finally admitted to myself that sometimes I need help. Be it talking to someone, trying to rewire my brain or just finally relaxing, I needed it. Mental illness is way too common to be ignored. No one should be ashamed or fearful of asking for help. Having a mental illness does not make us bad people, it is simply a flaw in the human code.

How to correctly select a movie (if you're a Curtis)

I have inherited many wonderful things from my parents. One of the funnier things is how I choose a movie from the on demand menu. I thought I was alone in my often lengthy process until I visited my parents. I am definitely my father's daughter.

It begins innocently enough. I feel like watching a movie, but I'm picky and because I love movies. I have seen.them.all. So the 'process' begins.

1. Open on demand movie menu and scroll through the new releases.

Seen it, seen it, seen it, that looks stupid, blah, boring...

2. Go to the Genre menu, select horror-sci-fi.

3. Scroll through each one, looks stupid, bad ratings on IMDB (which is open on my cell so I can easily cross reference), ohhh, another sorority sister slasher? Nope. Next. 

4. This looks interesting, I'll read the info. Okay, this is a possibility...

5. But...there might be a better movie. So, scroll some more. Ohhhh, alien encounters...ugh, that one is $6, no way.

6. Another possibility. Wait, what was the other one I just saw? Crap. Scroll back up. Why can't I like, put a post-it on the ones I like???

7. Back to scrolling...another bad rip off of Texas Chain Saw, not interested. That one has little kids in it. Nope, creepy. In a  bad way. 

8. Okay, I think I found the one. But that one looks good, too. 

9. Maybe I should watch a thriller instead.  

10. No, I want to watch a scary movie. What was the one I read about on Facebook a month ago? Damn. Never mind. 

11. Sigh. This one got good reviews on IMDB and it has 7/10 stars. Okay, this is the one. Yup, I'm sure. I just have to remember the other 6 I want to watch next time. 

And the next time I watch a movie it will be the same process. As I am performing my search I can feel both my husband and mother rolling their eyes. JUST PICK ONE ALREADY!!

I'm Back!

So, several months ago our computer 'broke', which really means my husband was messing with it and did something and it didn't work for a long time. But now it does and I'm happy. I know it's my first post of the new year but I'm not gonna do the whole resolution thing because I never keep them. I will do a brief look back at 2013, though, because it was pretty eventful.
 We started the year with our little man, Beau, barely a month old but the best thing that ever happened to me. Being a new mom was way harder then I ever thought it would be. I dealt with postpartum depression, my anxiety level skyrocketed but I learned something. I learned that the nerves and awkwardness I have dealt with for as long as I can remember is actually ANXIETY, and it's very real and many, many people suffer from it. I'm learning how to deal with it instead of running and hiding in the house.
  We bought a house over the summer, we have been renovating and repairing almost non-stop ever since, but I love it. We pulled up the nasty, stained carpet from the living/dining room and upstairs hall and found pretty nice hardwood floors. We painted a few rooms. Mostly we have worked on fixing all the crazy things that are wrong with it. It has been a learning process and I am so thankful that my husband is a contractor and can do all this stuff!
  I used a nail gun. My husband, brother in law and myself resurfaced my In-laws back deck. Brother in law had to go to Home Depot so I had to step up and take over the nail gun. To my surprise, my hands didn't shake when I picked it up and within a couple minutes I was nailing the crap out of those boards! (I know how it sounds, don't be a perv)
  In August we found out that I was pregnant again. I knew something wasn't right. In September we found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I never thought anything would be as emotionally painful as the first miscarriage was. I was wrong. Initially I wasn't ecstatic about being pregnant so soon after having Beau, but I became very excited to have another one. The thing about dealing with something like this while you have a baby is you can't just lock yourself away and grieve. You have to deal with life, with the little person whose life depends on you to have your shit together. I haven't written about it until now, and it still hurts. I would be about six months pregnant, and to think that we were almost a family of five instead of three is a very difficult thing to process. I used to think that everything happened for a reason, now I kinda think that's a load of crap. Sometimes bad things just happen.
  Beau learned to walk at about ten months. From that moment on nothing in the house has been safe. I laugh as I write this, because his favorite thing is to run away when he's got contraband. He will find dust bunnies, dog toys, anything that isn't otherwise secured and when an attempt is made to remove it from his hand he will run away laughing.
  Beau started talking! He really started talking months ago, but it was just Dada and Mama. A couple weeks ago we were in the den watching some show on Animal Planet when very quietly he said "doggie, doggie". I honestly thought his first words would be 'Stop it Crockett' as that is probably the most used phrase in this house. Everyday he seems to add new words. He says Hi Crockett, Hi Ruby, Hi Kitty, Nana (banana), trash and probably a few I'm missing. Crockett and Ruby are more like Ocky and Ubit, but he's trying and it's pretty freaking cute to hear him. He nodded yesterday instead of the usual 'no' head shake. Watching him grow has been incredible.
  My biggest personal success of 2013 was quitting cigarettes. So far I am 14 days smoke free. I had a slip up a few days after I quit, took a few drags one night when I seriously thought my head was going to explode, then I almost vomited. I allowed myself one week to do the typical binge eating thing that usually comes with quitting but it wasn't that bad. Having a one year old who eats half my food helped. I finally don't feel like not smoking is the end of the world, I enjoy the fact that I can taste my food and my clothes, hair and breath don't reek.
  I know I said I wouldn't make resolutions, but I will push myself more this year. To get out of the house more, to be more social, to really start working out (house work only counts for so many calories burned), to write more and to be good to myself. I am taking a couple online courses and didn't realize how much I missed learning until I stayed awake until 11 one night watching lessons. I would like to go back to school, but there are logistical issues to be worked out there, so we'll see. Right now I'm just focusing on what is happening here and now, on all the amazing things I get to experience everyday and how good it is to be where I am now!

9/11/2013

I sat this morning, as I do every other morning, feeding Beau his bottle and flipping through the news channels. This morning is different. Most mornings  there are partisan conversations about current events, punctuated by short clips of kittens or cute babies doing silly things. This morning's coverage is the same on every channel. It is of the events twelve years ago that forever changed America.
  I remember it like it was yesterday. I woke up to Matt Lauer and Katie Couric reporting that an airplane had hit one of the World Trade Center towers. I woke up my boyfriend and roommate, the three of us stood slack jawed, staring at the horror unfolding before us. They went to work at the radio station, I had the day off. I went to a friend's house, we pulled a TV onto the front porch and watched all day, sometimes joined by people from the neighborhood.  I remember the silence not only in the air but in the streets as well.
  So, here I am, twelve years later. I found myself explaing to our ten month old son why today is so important.  I realized that as I spoke, I was crying. Telling him that though he doesn't understand now, it is something he will learn about in school. It's something Mom and Dad will talk to him about. I told him that it's okay to ask questions and to not understand how people could do that to so many innocent human beings.
  I hope, with all of my heart, that he will never have to witness anything so senless and horrible. The pain of loss is still so palpable, I hope he never knows how that feels.
  Together, my husband and I teach Beau that America is a great country.  We teach him that there are bad people in the world, but there are many more good. We teach him that bad things happen but you have to learn to pick yourself up and move on with your life. I know he will grow up to be a good man who accepts people for who they are and does not judge unjustly. A few bad people do not define an entire culture.
  As I stepped outside this morning I noticed what a beautiful day it is. Warm and sunny with a brilliant blue sky. Much like it was twelve years ago, on the day America stood still.
  America will forever remember the brave men and women who lost their lives that day, as well as my Brothers and Sisters in Arms who have given their lives since. All to help, defend and protect the great people of the greatest country in the world.

I'm such a meanie sometimes!

My husband is stressed. He is stressed over the new house, about the apartment, about work. He is currently napping, I think, not only because he is tired, but because it's the only way he can turn off the stress sometimes. He is a good man. No, he is a great man. He supports us, he loves us, and he is good to us. So why do I give him such a hard time about the dumbest things???
  I realized the other day that I can be kind of harsh to my husband. I don't do it intentionally, I adore him, and have no desire to make him unhappy. Every couple has their 'things'. Each person does things that makes the other momentarily insane. Brian will leave plastic food wrappers in the sink when he trash can is only two feet away. He leaves his socks all over the house. He uses my favorite towel and leaves it wet, slung over the shower curtain bar. And I, in turn, get angry.
  I can't remember exactly what I was doing when I realized that there are of course things that I do that make him shake his head, but he never says a word about them. The most prominent would be me scolding him about the things that bug me. Over. And over. And over again. And when I had this realization, that I am sometimes a real brat to my husband, I instantly felt horrible. He doesn't deserve it. He is a really good guy.
  This whole thing with the house has been a long, dragged out process. It is making us both go grey, we are exhausted and just want a place to call ours. But Brian sees more. He sees it as his job to give his family a home, a place for Beau to grow up and our dogs to run around. He is worried that he won't be able to make all of that happen, and all I can say is 'it will all work out'. I really do think it will, but I don't know how else to get that across to him.
  And so, I am going to stop haranguing him about dirty socks and zip lock bags in the sink. We have more towels than we know what to do with, I don't need to claim a favorite (it's huge, blue and has a hole in the corner). I do need to stop and think more often, try to put myself in his shoes. For someone I seem to pick on he never snaps, he never tells me that my constant need to hold the remote irritates him, he steps over my (15) pairs of shoes on the floor. He is a good man, and I am so happy that he will be a role model for our son.
My point is, we get so busy, so wound up in our own little universes that it's easy to pick out the negatives. We-I- need to stop and pay attention to all of the positives, because, lets be honest. I am pretty damn lucky!

Home

We have less than three weeks until closing on our house. I can't wait to move in and make it ours. And to start working on my favorite part, the backyard.
  The backyard was a major selling point for us, knowing that we will be able to open the door and let our dogs out without the struggle of leashes and distractions that we have now. And for me, the backyard offers a little slice of heaven. It has a few big trees, Oaks, I think, they cast lots of shade and create the perfect place for me to sit and write and think and relax. I am never more relaxed than I am outside. When I a surrounded by trees and grass and the smell of earth, ahhhh, I can already feel myself unwinding. Nature really is my religion, I gain a great sense of calm when I'm outdoors. I think it's being in contact with all things living, feeling the earth pulse, the wind blow and the sun shine.

The view from our patio, it may not look like much now but it is ours and I love it.

  We have plans for a vegetable garden, flower beds, a swing set for Beau and lots of time spent just enjoying life. I can't wait to dig and plant, watch our son grow and our dogs play. There's a clothesline that needs to be restrung, I can already see myself out there in the mornings, hanging laundry while Beau gets some fresh air. I see us grilling and enjoying the warm fall evenings, sitting and talking, just enjoying each others company.
  I've always been sort of anti-social, not really caring to get to know my neighbors, preferring my solitude. But I am actually looking forward to meeting our neighbors. Our neighborhood is small, cozy, and I'm hoping it's the kind of place where people look out for one another. I saw a family about our age the last time we stopped to look at the house, it would be great to have people to hang out with on the weekends. It would almost feel wasteful to have a garden and not share it with people.
I sat down to write this morning, not really knowing what I was going to write about. I've been so consumed with packing and planning and all that goes with moving that I really thought I'd end up with a list. I guess in a way it is, it's a list of my dreams.

Independence Day

Good morning, America., it's Independence Day. The day most look forward to as a mid-summer chance to relax, have a party, watch some fireworks and BBQ. Often just called the 4th, it's important to remember all of those who keep this country free and independent.
  I have never been deployed, and I am eternally thankful for that. Everyday I see images of Service Men and Women saying their goodbyes to their kids, significant others, family members, only to board a plane and land in place where they are unwanted. You don't have to agree with the war or decisions of the President, or anything political. But we all need to support the Troops. It is because of people who are willing to lay down their lives, to say that last goodbye, that we have the freedoms we do today. These Soldiers, Sailors Marines, Airmen don't do it for the paycheck, they don't do it because they are bored, it certainly isn't as glamorous as what you see in movies and video games. They do it because they feel a sense of pride in their Country. Because they feel it is their obligation to the people of this Nation to keep us safe. Because they are brave, putting themselves on line so that their loved ones can remain free.
  This country was founded by people who fled persecution, they came to America and they fought for their freedom.  People with far less training and equipment than what is available today. They fought because they believed in something, they wanted to protect their families, their rights and all they had worked for.
  Scrolling through the news today I saw several stories that make me more than thankful to live in America. Three people beheaded in Syria, the Egyptian Coup, horrible living conditions in North Korea, in Africa, in the Middle East. Places where women must cover themselves from head to toe, places where a difference of opinion could mean public death. Constant bombings, constant war, not knowing if your home will be blown up while you sleep.
  And I sit here, writing this, with the freedom to express myself. The United States may not be what everyone wants it to be right at this moment, but it is still a free country. Big Brother may be reading what I write but I still have the freedom to write it.
  During my Military career I came in contact everyday with Soldiers who had served on multiple deployments. These Men and Women often carry not only physical scars, but emotional scars as well. They have nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, you name, I've seen it. I've seen Soldiers fight to stay in the Army just because their friends are going on another deployment and they can't bear to not be with them. Each and every Soldier and Service Man and Woman feels total responsibility for the person next them, their Brothers and Sisters in Arms. Because they have built these relationships while fighting for our Country. While they sleep in the dirt, take fire in the middle of the night, watch their friends die, we are safe in our homes with our loved ones.
  The American Spirit runs deep, we value our freedom and our ability to live as we like. It is because of everyone Man and Woman who has fought for this Country that we have those rights. Please remember that today is not just the 4th of July, it is a symbol of our Country, a reminder of all those great people who laid down their lives to ensure that we could be happy.