So, several months ago our computer 'broke', which really means my husband was messing with it and did something and it didn't work for a long time. But now it does and I'm happy. I know it's my first post of the new year but I'm not gonna do the whole resolution thing because I never keep them. I will do a brief look back at 2013, though, because it was pretty eventful.
We started the year with our little man, Beau, barely a month old but the best thing that ever happened to me. Being a new mom was way harder then I ever thought it would be. I dealt with postpartum depression, my anxiety level skyrocketed but I learned something. I learned that the nerves and awkwardness I have dealt with for as long as I can remember is actually ANXIETY, and it's very real and many, many people suffer from it. I'm learning how to deal with it instead of running and hiding in the house.
We bought a house over the summer, we have been renovating and repairing almost non-stop ever since, but I love it. We pulled up the nasty, stained carpet from the living/dining room and upstairs hall and found pretty nice hardwood floors. We painted a few rooms. Mostly we have worked on fixing all the crazy things that are wrong with it. It has been a learning process and I am so thankful that my husband is a contractor and can do all this stuff!
I used a nail gun. My husband, brother in law and myself resurfaced my In-laws back deck. Brother in law had to go to Home Depot so I had to step up and take over the nail gun. To my surprise, my hands didn't shake when I picked it up and within a couple minutes I was nailing the crap out of those boards! (I know how it sounds, don't be a perv)
In August we found out that I was pregnant again. I knew something wasn't right. In September we found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I never thought anything would be as emotionally painful as the first miscarriage was. I was wrong. Initially I wasn't ecstatic about being pregnant so soon after having Beau, but I became very excited to have another one. The thing about dealing with something like this while you have a baby is you can't just lock yourself away and grieve. You have to deal with life, with the little person whose life depends on you to have your shit together. I haven't written about it until now, and it still hurts. I would be about six months pregnant, and to think that we were almost a family of five instead of three is a very difficult thing to process. I used to think that everything happened for a reason, now I kinda think that's a load of crap. Sometimes bad things just happen.
Beau learned to walk at about ten months. From that moment on nothing in the house has been safe. I laugh as I write this, because his favorite thing is to run away when he's got contraband. He will find dust bunnies, dog toys, anything that isn't otherwise secured and when an attempt is made to remove it from his hand he will run away laughing.
Beau started talking! He really started talking months ago, but it was just Dada and Mama. A couple weeks ago we were in the den watching some show on Animal Planet when very quietly he said "doggie, doggie". I honestly thought his first words would be 'Stop it Crockett' as that is probably the most used phrase in this house. Everyday he seems to add new words. He says Hi Crockett, Hi Ruby, Hi Kitty, Nana (banana), trash and probably a few I'm missing. Crockett and Ruby are more like Ocky and Ubit, but he's trying and it's pretty freaking cute to hear him. He nodded yesterday instead of the usual 'no' head shake. Watching him grow has been incredible.
My biggest personal success of 2013 was quitting cigarettes. So far I am 14 days smoke free. I had a slip up a few days after I quit, took a few drags one night when I seriously thought my head was going to explode, then I almost vomited. I allowed myself one week to do the typical binge eating thing that usually comes with quitting but it wasn't that bad. Having a one year old who eats half my food helped. I finally don't feel like not smoking is the end of the world, I enjoy the fact that I can taste my food and my clothes, hair and breath don't reek.
I know I said I wouldn't make resolutions, but I will push myself more this year. To get out of the house more, to be more social, to really start working out (house work only counts for so many calories burned), to write more and to be good to myself. I am taking a couple online courses and didn't realize how much I missed learning until I stayed awake until 11 one night watching lessons. I would like to go back to school, but there are logistical issues to be worked out there, so we'll see. Right now I'm just focusing on what is happening here and now, on all the amazing things I get to experience everyday and how good it is to be where I am now!
