Tired of god

I'm tired of god. I'm tired of hearing about god. I'm tired of people telling me to have a 'blessed day'. I'm tired of being persecuted because I'm an atheist,  having to explain why I don't believe in god or have faith.  I would never question your beliefs so why are mine so offensive to your delicate Christian sensibilities?  Here's the thing, though, I do have faith. I have faith in science and humanity and the basic good of people. I don't need religion to have morals, I certainly don't need a book to tell me how to be a good person. I'm tired of hearing that God only gives us what we can handle. Really?? Cause I've been through some shit that has tested me to the very limits of my being and I'm still here. Without God. Because I know I'm strong and I don't need to be blessed or saved or to find salvation. I have the people in my life, I have myself and in myself I have the drive to go on everyday, to open my eyes, look at what I have and know that I have worked for it.  God has nothing to do with it. So please, the next time someone asks you why you believe what you do, tell them to F off because it's none of their business. Be you, be strong and make your life what you want it to be.

The Dark Side

So this is life. Medicated. Red wine. Songs that maybe make you feel the way you used to. Cigarettes. Dark songs. The same song. Over and over and over again. Because it's the only way you can express how you feel. Because the sad, dark bass rhythm somehow  explains your soul.  But only to yourself. Is it time to adjust your meds?? Because the meds take your ability to feel genuinely sad or really, your ability to feel anything genuine at all. Fun. Yup. Sail. The doc said don't mix your meds with alcohol,  but really, anyone who has dealt with depression or anxiety knows that that's bullshit. It's the only way you can feel or not feel, be or not be. I can't make the music loud enough or rough enough or dark enough to truly pay parlance to my soul. Sometimes there are just a lot of shitty dark days. You can't do anything about it but the your meds and c.l.o.s.e.y.o.u.r.e.y.e.s.

Reconnection

It took a long time. Too long. Things happen, life falls apart, gets put back together and goes on. But you feel the need to reach. Because that person who was important in your life is still important in your life and despite all the shit and bad days you just have to talk.
  I'm happy we did, really happy. To have this friend back in my life, to have another woman to talk to. To be able to have a beer (or several glasses of wine) and talk about the old days and the new days; bad days and good days is priceless.
  Whatever stopped us before,  pride or anger or fear dissolved and it was all replaced with a feeling of home.  I'm safe, she's safe and life will go on. This time though, we will be by each others side.

I'm Really Pissed

I've been in the National Guard for 6 years. I took some time off after I had my son but when I got called back to drill I showed up. Because it's my job. Because I want my son to know that his mom did some bad ass stuff. Because I want him to know that women are strong and can have a family and work and still hold it all together.
Tomorrow I was supposed to leave for the dreaded two week Annual Training. Two weeks in barracks, working what seem like nonstop hours, two weeks of being tired and dirty and missing home. And as much as I would have missed Beau and my husband and home I wanted to go. Because it would have been my last annual training. My last chance to feel what being in the military really means to me. Some of my fondest memories come from annual trainings passed.
  My bags are packed, in the trunk of my car. My uniform is laid out ready to be put on, bright and early. And then it all fell apart. The person responsible for watching Beau decided, apparently, that I'm a terrible mother for fulfilling my obligations and I'm 'throwing my child into a world of chaos'.
  I had to make a call to my NCO at 8:30 tonight to explain why I am letting my section and my unit down. Why I cannot do what I am contractually obligated to do. And thankfully she understood and so did my Commander. And I will be able to make up my time in the office after everyone gets back. What I won't be able to make up are the memories I would have made or the feeling of letting myself down. Or the fear that people will think I'm not there because I couldn't handle it.
  Normally I don't vent about crap like this on here, but tonight I am just so pissed and disappointed that I have to get it out. As much as the days drag on and I never feel truly clean, even after 3 showers and fresh clothes, I wanted to go. Because there is camaraderie, there is friendship and laughs and a desperation to pass the hours and a need to get through it all.
And now I can't. My last hurrah has been taken away and I'm pissed.

Top Ten Movies of the Last Six Months

I've said before that I love movies. Like, I could spend soo much money renting movies on demand that my husband would have a coronary. I have a problem.
It dawned on me that with this love of movies should come a list(s) of my favorites. These are not all 'new', but they are all movies I've watched in the last 6 months or so. Here goes...

1. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013)
This one starts a little slow but is worth watching. Some of the best scenery I've ever seen in a movie and it's a great love story for people who are nauseated by Rom-Coms.

2. The Dallas Buyers Club (2013)
Amazing acting by Jared Leto and I learned more about the early days of AIDS/HIV treatment. 

3. Afflicted (2013)
Found footage movie, without giving anything away, it really surprised me. Not my usual genre but well done and suspenseful.

4. Troll Hunter (2010)
Re: Subtitles, but so worth the hour and 43 minutes. All I can say is that giant trolls have giant shots and it's still almost creepy at a few points. But really, you need a sense of humor for this one.
* Thanks to my Dad for this one :)

5. Yellowbrickroad (2010)
Seriously trippy flick set in New Hamspire, this one is weird. I couldn't tear myself away.

6. Dark Skies (2013)
This one was a surprise, it turned out to be more than I expected. I was waiting for a run of the mill 'haunted house movie' and it was way more than that.

7. American Hustle (2013)
It was just that good.

8. The Conjuring (2013)
Creeped me out after it was over. That's hard to do. Based on some real events, and I'm really glad they didn't use big name stars.

9. Captain Phillips (2013)
Cool piece of trivia about this movie, the 'pirates' were kept away from the 'crew' through filming until the scene where the pirates boarded the ship. There is truly a sense of despair and helplessness due to this genius move.

10. The Place Beyond the Pines (2012)
Mostly because I'm a sucker for the dark, brooding indie type film. And Ryan Gosling

11. Prisoners (2013)
Okay, 11, I couldn't help it. This movie is so suspenseful I'm pretty sure I held my breath through the whole thing.

Honorable Mentions:
1. The World's End (2013)
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are two of my all time favorite actors and this movie carries on the legacy of awesomeness that is Shaun of the Dead.

2. This Is The End (2013)
Really just a great, funny movie. This is how I see movie stars living their lives in my mind. Until the apocalypse,  of course.

Soulitude

There are times when my soul needs- no- craves solitude. A solitude I cannot find here, in the city or suburbs or parks or rivers. It comes only from the mountains and the quiet of the New England woods. Places I have escaped to in the past,  where I can wander all day in perfect silence, never encountering another human being. It is these places that hold the calm I need. The opportunity to shut off and unplug and truly relax. I can picture them in my mind, I let myself drift there when I feel like I just can't take anymore.
I can hear the beautiful, barely present hum of life all around me, but not of traffic or people,  of insects, trees, wind, the natural cycle of life.
I yearn to be back there, if only for a little while, to soothe my soul,  untangle my mind and take a long deep breath. To know that it really is ok, because as crazy as everything seems, we are so small and this place will go on, as it has for thousands of years.
It is not a sense of joy or sorrow that I get in these places. Not delight or anguish. It is just a sense of being. Of belonging, of balance.

Upside Down and Rightside Up

In the past I have written about my struggles with depression and anxiety, not because I want sympathy, but because I feel that it is still a stigmatized subject. Last year I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, working with a combination of medications and trying to fix myself. Then I stopped going. I stopped taking my meds because they made me feel foggy and not quite connected with the world around me. I wanted to try to handle things on my own, and I did a pretty good job of it for a while. Or so I thought.
  A few weeks ago my husband and I got into an argument in the car, in front of Beau, which is something we try to avoid for Beau's sake. It was over something stupid, I can't even remember what, and, as was becoming more common, I shut down. I was silent, staring out the window, trying not to cry. The argument was not worth crying about, not worth the time or energy I attached to it. It was just a dumb fight. Suddenly Brian looked at me and said "do you see yourself?". Ouch. And with that reality smacked me in the face and I realized I wasn't handling anything as well as I thought I was.
  I made an appointment with my psychiatrist a few days later and am now almost a week back into a med schedule. This WILL sound corny, but all of a sudden the world is right side up again. I have started going to drill again, I just got a job, after two years of searching(!!!), Beau has finally made the jump to cow's milk and is sleeping in his bed in his own room. Some of that sounds like small stuff, but to me it's a big deal. And instead of stressing and losing sleep over some - or - all of it, I can relax and be happy about it.
  The meds are having some odd side effects, but they are tolerable, and I finally admitted to myself that sometimes I need help. Be it talking to someone, trying to rewire my brain or just finally relaxing, I needed it. Mental illness is way too common to be ignored. No one should be ashamed or fearful of asking for help. Having a mental illness does not make us bad people, it is simply a flaw in the human code.

How to correctly select a movie (if you're a Curtis)

I have inherited many wonderful things from my parents. One of the funnier things is how I choose a movie from the on demand menu. I thought I was alone in my often lengthy process until I visited my parents. I am definitely my father's daughter.

It begins innocently enough. I feel like watching a movie, but I'm picky and because I love movies. I have seen.them.all. So the 'process' begins.

1. Open on demand movie menu and scroll through the new releases.

Seen it, seen it, seen it, that looks stupid, blah, boring...

2. Go to the Genre menu, select horror-sci-fi.

3. Scroll through each one, looks stupid, bad ratings on IMDB (which is open on my cell so I can easily cross reference), ohhh, another sorority sister slasher? Nope. Next. 

4. This looks interesting, I'll read the info. Okay, this is a possibility...

5. But...there might be a better movie. So, scroll some more. Ohhhh, alien encounters...ugh, that one is $6, no way.

6. Another possibility. Wait, what was the other one I just saw? Crap. Scroll back up. Why can't I like, put a post-it on the ones I like???

7. Back to scrolling...another bad rip off of Texas Chain Saw, not interested. That one has little kids in it. Nope, creepy. In a  bad way. 

8. Okay, I think I found the one. But that one looks good, too. 

9. Maybe I should watch a thriller instead.  

10. No, I want to watch a scary movie. What was the one I read about on Facebook a month ago? Damn. Never mind. 

11. Sigh. This one got good reviews on IMDB and it has 7/10 stars. Okay, this is the one. Yup, I'm sure. I just have to remember the other 6 I want to watch next time. 

And the next time I watch a movie it will be the same process. As I am performing my search I can feel both my husband and mother rolling their eyes. JUST PICK ONE ALREADY!!

I'm Back!

So, several months ago our computer 'broke', which really means my husband was messing with it and did something and it didn't work for a long time. But now it does and I'm happy. I know it's my first post of the new year but I'm not gonna do the whole resolution thing because I never keep them. I will do a brief look back at 2013, though, because it was pretty eventful.
 We started the year with our little man, Beau, barely a month old but the best thing that ever happened to me. Being a new mom was way harder then I ever thought it would be. I dealt with postpartum depression, my anxiety level skyrocketed but I learned something. I learned that the nerves and awkwardness I have dealt with for as long as I can remember is actually ANXIETY, and it's very real and many, many people suffer from it. I'm learning how to deal with it instead of running and hiding in the house.
  We bought a house over the summer, we have been renovating and repairing almost non-stop ever since, but I love it. We pulled up the nasty, stained carpet from the living/dining room and upstairs hall and found pretty nice hardwood floors. We painted a few rooms. Mostly we have worked on fixing all the crazy things that are wrong with it. It has been a learning process and I am so thankful that my husband is a contractor and can do all this stuff!
  I used a nail gun. My husband, brother in law and myself resurfaced my In-laws back deck. Brother in law had to go to Home Depot so I had to step up and take over the nail gun. To my surprise, my hands didn't shake when I picked it up and within a couple minutes I was nailing the crap out of those boards! (I know how it sounds, don't be a perv)
  In August we found out that I was pregnant again. I knew something wasn't right. In September we found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I never thought anything would be as emotionally painful as the first miscarriage was. I was wrong. Initially I wasn't ecstatic about being pregnant so soon after having Beau, but I became very excited to have another one. The thing about dealing with something like this while you have a baby is you can't just lock yourself away and grieve. You have to deal with life, with the little person whose life depends on you to have your shit together. I haven't written about it until now, and it still hurts. I would be about six months pregnant, and to think that we were almost a family of five instead of three is a very difficult thing to process. I used to think that everything happened for a reason, now I kinda think that's a load of crap. Sometimes bad things just happen.
  Beau learned to walk at about ten months. From that moment on nothing in the house has been safe. I laugh as I write this, because his favorite thing is to run away when he's got contraband. He will find dust bunnies, dog toys, anything that isn't otherwise secured and when an attempt is made to remove it from his hand he will run away laughing.
  Beau started talking! He really started talking months ago, but it was just Dada and Mama. A couple weeks ago we were in the den watching some show on Animal Planet when very quietly he said "doggie, doggie". I honestly thought his first words would be 'Stop it Crockett' as that is probably the most used phrase in this house. Everyday he seems to add new words. He says Hi Crockett, Hi Ruby, Hi Kitty, Nana (banana), trash and probably a few I'm missing. Crockett and Ruby are more like Ocky and Ubit, but he's trying and it's pretty freaking cute to hear him. He nodded yesterday instead of the usual 'no' head shake. Watching him grow has been incredible.
  My biggest personal success of 2013 was quitting cigarettes. So far I am 14 days smoke free. I had a slip up a few days after I quit, took a few drags one night when I seriously thought my head was going to explode, then I almost vomited. I allowed myself one week to do the typical binge eating thing that usually comes with quitting but it wasn't that bad. Having a one year old who eats half my food helped. I finally don't feel like not smoking is the end of the world, I enjoy the fact that I can taste my food and my clothes, hair and breath don't reek.
  I know I said I wouldn't make resolutions, but I will push myself more this year. To get out of the house more, to be more social, to really start working out (house work only counts for so many calories burned), to write more and to be good to myself. I am taking a couple online courses and didn't realize how much I missed learning until I stayed awake until 11 one night watching lessons. I would like to go back to school, but there are logistical issues to be worked out there, so we'll see. Right now I'm just focusing on what is happening here and now, on all the amazing things I get to experience everyday and how good it is to be where I am now!