I'm Really Pissed

I've been in the National Guard for 6 years. I took some time off after I had my son but when I got called back to drill I showed up. Because it's my job. Because I want my son to know that his mom did some bad ass stuff. Because I want him to know that women are strong and can have a family and work and still hold it all together.
Tomorrow I was supposed to leave for the dreaded two week Annual Training. Two weeks in barracks, working what seem like nonstop hours, two weeks of being tired and dirty and missing home. And as much as I would have missed Beau and my husband and home I wanted to go. Because it would have been my last annual training. My last chance to feel what being in the military really means to me. Some of my fondest memories come from annual trainings passed.
  My bags are packed, in the trunk of my car. My uniform is laid out ready to be put on, bright and early. And then it all fell apart. The person responsible for watching Beau decided, apparently, that I'm a terrible mother for fulfilling my obligations and I'm 'throwing my child into a world of chaos'.
  I had to make a call to my NCO at 8:30 tonight to explain why I am letting my section and my unit down. Why I cannot do what I am contractually obligated to do. And thankfully she understood and so did my Commander. And I will be able to make up my time in the office after everyone gets back. What I won't be able to make up are the memories I would have made or the feeling of letting myself down. Or the fear that people will think I'm not there because I couldn't handle it.
  Normally I don't vent about crap like this on here, but tonight I am just so pissed and disappointed that I have to get it out. As much as the days drag on and I never feel truly clean, even after 3 showers and fresh clothes, I wanted to go. Because there is camaraderie, there is friendship and laughs and a desperation to pass the hours and a need to get through it all.
And now I can't. My last hurrah has been taken away and I'm pissed.

Top Ten Movies of the Last Six Months

I've said before that I love movies. Like, I could spend soo much money renting movies on demand that my husband would have a coronary. I have a problem.
It dawned on me that with this love of movies should come a list(s) of my favorites. These are not all 'new', but they are all movies I've watched in the last 6 months or so. Here goes...

1. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013)
This one starts a little slow but is worth watching. Some of the best scenery I've ever seen in a movie and it's a great love story for people who are nauseated by Rom-Coms.

2. The Dallas Buyers Club (2013)
Amazing acting by Jared Leto and I learned more about the early days of AIDS/HIV treatment. 

3. Afflicted (2013)
Found footage movie, without giving anything away, it really surprised me. Not my usual genre but well done and suspenseful.

4. Troll Hunter (2010)
Re: Subtitles, but so worth the hour and 43 minutes. All I can say is that giant trolls have giant shots and it's still almost creepy at a few points. But really, you need a sense of humor for this one.
* Thanks to my Dad for this one :)

5. Yellowbrickroad (2010)
Seriously trippy flick set in New Hamspire, this one is weird. I couldn't tear myself away.

6. Dark Skies (2013)
This one was a surprise, it turned out to be more than I expected. I was waiting for a run of the mill 'haunted house movie' and it was way more than that.

7. American Hustle (2013)
It was just that good.

8. The Conjuring (2013)
Creeped me out after it was over. That's hard to do. Based on some real events, and I'm really glad they didn't use big name stars.

9. Captain Phillips (2013)
Cool piece of trivia about this movie, the 'pirates' were kept away from the 'crew' through filming until the scene where the pirates boarded the ship. There is truly a sense of despair and helplessness due to this genius move.

10. The Place Beyond the Pines (2012)
Mostly because I'm a sucker for the dark, brooding indie type film. And Ryan Gosling

11. Prisoners (2013)
Okay, 11, I couldn't help it. This movie is so suspenseful I'm pretty sure I held my breath through the whole thing.

Honorable Mentions:
1. The World's End (2013)
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are two of my all time favorite actors and this movie carries on the legacy of awesomeness that is Shaun of the Dead.

2. This Is The End (2013)
Really just a great, funny movie. This is how I see movie stars living their lives in my mind. Until the apocalypse,  of course.

Soulitude

There are times when my soul needs- no- craves solitude. A solitude I cannot find here, in the city or suburbs or parks or rivers. It comes only from the mountains and the quiet of the New England woods. Places I have escaped to in the past,  where I can wander all day in perfect silence, never encountering another human being. It is these places that hold the calm I need. The opportunity to shut off and unplug and truly relax. I can picture them in my mind, I let myself drift there when I feel like I just can't take anymore.
I can hear the beautiful, barely present hum of life all around me, but not of traffic or people,  of insects, trees, wind, the natural cycle of life.
I yearn to be back there, if only for a little while, to soothe my soul,  untangle my mind and take a long deep breath. To know that it really is ok, because as crazy as everything seems, we are so small and this place will go on, as it has for thousands of years.
It is not a sense of joy or sorrow that I get in these places. Not delight or anguish. It is just a sense of being. Of belonging, of balance.